July 27, 2020

When I Longed for you, I Devalued Myself.


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When you know there’s a person out there for you, it’s a feeling that runs deep.

Almost like you’ve both met before in a dream, but agreed to forget this meeting ever happened, just so it can happen again and again.

What if we fall in love, let each other go, and mutually forget so we can repeatedly live in a newfound feeling when we return to each other’s embrace? What if I keep having you and losing you, but I never know about it? What if you visit my dreams at night, and that’s why I can feel you in my body, but my consciousness can’t envision you. What if this manifests itself as the uncontrollable ache in my heart from missing someone I haven’t even met, though deep down every faculty of my being knows you except the one that tries to identify you?

We could be at two opposite poles of the world, or you could be right down my street—you could be anywhere, but you’re not here.

A part of me is with you, but I tell myself it’s not you that I want now, just what’s mine that’s with you.

Give it back.

Just as long as you come with it.

But leave it at the door and go.

Just as long as I take it and find you in it.

But find myself when I find you.

This entangled contradiction of wanting you and wanting myself. I want both.

Yet, I want to be free of the enslavement of desire. I also don’t want to want.

How can I co-exist with this longing for you? My soul has called out your nameless name many times, and I can feel the echo of your presence. I want to deeply hold you, pull you down from this dream, and feel you on the ground.

You are so close. I can feel you waiting for me, too.

I know you are also wondering where I’ve been all this time. Why am I not there with you.

To that, I have no answer except that time embeds itself in the thread of our existence that way.

Time is our invisible, patient, meticulous friend. It has a plan for us, and a unique design that one day, I know, we will be in awe of.

What can we do, till then?

We can touch the earth, and touch the sky, and keep the centre of our heart warm by coming alive to each day. We can nurture ourselves, heal our wounds, and stay open to experiences. We can learn to be content with who we are and to embrace the messiness of what it means to be Human. Our separate journeys make us who we are today, and it’s goddamn beautiful.

When I only longed for you to complete me, I stepped aside from my own value and allowed you to be more important than I was. Now that I’m learning that I am whole and nothing is missing, I am able to see my worth shine like a bright star, and I see you as my co-star. We are both meant to shine bright together.

I was frustrated that my dreams felt like intangible fantasies, but now I see my dreams are little trips that remind me to hold on to my innate sense of worth. We simply awaken that in each other. You’re not distant. There’s nothing to long for in a soul-crushing way anymore. We’ve arrived in this world as children of God, and when I connect to that, I only feel the river of love flowing from my dream to yours.

Rumi got it right when he said:

“The minute I heard my first love story,

I started looking for you, not knowing

how blind that was.

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.

They’re in each other all along.”

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