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August 4, 2020

An Open Letter to the Man I Once Loved.

I want to take this opportunity to express my gratitude.

I have decided, instead of hating you for hurting me, to leave you with these last two words.

Thank you.

I won’t lie, at first I felt really mad that you decided you were somehow better off without me. I cried, I threw my temper tantrum, and I did hate you.

I hated you for not seeing what was standing right in front of you all this time. I hated the fact that you didn’t seem to care about what I had to say or how hurt I was feeling. I hated the fact that in the end it was so easy for you to just walk away and chalk this up to yet another soul connection with yet another woman whom you really didn’t give a damn about.

Hating you felt good. It felt like the more I hated you, the more I could count all the ways in which you did not deserve me. I could let you go easier and slam the door shut behind you as you left. Hating you felt like salve to my open wounds.

But I soon found that hating you was actually poisoning me.

If I am truly being honest here, the only person I really hated was myself. I hated the fact that I was forced to feel so many uncomfortable feelings. I hated the fact that I was forced to look at all of the ways in which I was not honoring my soul. I hated that you showed me just how much I was disrespecting my boundaries, my energy, and my goddess-given divinity.

I hated the fact that I had to sit in the discomfort of piecing together a new life for myself that did not involve you as the central focus to build everything around it. I hated that I was forced to make you a stranger in what I thought was going to be the most epic romance of my life.

I hated that I did not love myself more fully.

So thank you.

Because of you, I decided to make the unfamiliar familiar. I decided that love stays, and that meant, in that time of wanting, I instead chose to stay with myself. I was able to see that this really was the epic romance of my life because it was me who I had been waiting for all along.

I decided that I would sit with my pain in all of its raw glory and honor the strength it took to get me to my place of heartbreak because it did require a ton of strength. It required courage to continue loving you even though you did not want it. It took courage to stand in the face of your indifference with an open heart and an all-in attitude. I decided that I would be one hundred percent responsible for my choices in this instead of handing over my power to you as I had done time and time again.

I decided I would take all that courage and strength it took to love you and love myself better. I chose to study all the places within me where I could uphold my boundaries more firmly, get a little more honest with myself, and forgive myself for ignoring the red flags and that still small voice within me who knew something about this just didn’t fit.

I decided that I am worthy of being respected.

I am worthy of my time and attention.

I am worthy of my own unconditional love.

I am worthy of being a priority in my life.

I am worthy of honoring myself.

I am worthy of valuing myself.

Yes, I wanted to hate you, but hating you only poisoned us both, and in the end I’d still be left with nothing. Hating you meant I would still be hating myself—and I knew I deserved better.

So, thank you. Thank you for leaving. Thank you for the unanswered messages. Thank you for never choosing me or making me a priority in your life. Thank you for the never-ending goodbyes, the tears that could not stop flowing, and the complete disregard for anyone but yourself.

Thank you for showing me all of the ways in which I was enmeshed in my own narcissistic tendencies and attachment wounds. Thank you for helping me to heal the little girl within who just wanted the love of her parents. Thank you for refusing to be the person who rescued me from myself. Thank you for showing me just how strong I am.

Mostly, thank you for making space in my life for the right man to come along. The one who will not only reflect back all of the amazing qualities I possess, but also be working toward the growth and healing of our connection instead of its demise. Thank you for knowing within your soul, too, that I deserved so much better.

All my love and gratitude,

The woman who used to love you

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