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August 19, 2020

“Why Bother Anything?” When Depression Creeps In.

When depression creeps in:

It’s been a week since I have blogged, and I’m a daily blogger on Trauma Queen.

This month has been hard.

Admittedly, someone was able to pull me down, this trigger caused collateral damage, and it almost made me want to throw in the towel and retire this dollar-tree crown.

Depression crept back in through the cracks in my broken heart with a resounding echo of “Why bother?” on repeat in my mind, day and night.

Why bother speaking the truth when people prefer lies?

Why bother trying to make a difference?

The world is too big and you are too small—nothing is ever going to change.

Why bother eating well?

Why bother doing my hair?

Why bother going outside?

Why bother dancing or singing in the kitchen?

Why bother going to the doctor?

Why bother getting out of bed?

Why bother trying to create change?

The world has gone mad.

What on Earth am I here for?

I sat back down and didn’t stand back up.

For a while there…

I zipped my lips.

I cried.

I hollered at radio talk show hosts.

I swore constantly, under my mask.

I binged Netflix and ate chocolate and went numb on mindless entertainment and spoke meaningless conversations, like about the weather, and then just nodded. (Pssst—if I ever talk about the weather, ya know I’ve gone downhill.)

I have been sleeping a lot and still feel exhausted from this treadmill called life of pushing forward, blood, sweat, and tears, at a 90-degree angle—all uphill, against the obstacles, against gravity, against the grain—feeling like I am going nowhere fast.

I have lost days I can’t get back.

Then, almighty panic sets in!

And anxiety replaces all the “Why bothers?” with “Would-haves, should-have, could-haves, and what-ifs?”

But I know that I know that I know that my mental health is a battle worth fighting.

I know that I know that I know that the truth matters.

I know that I know that I know that when others are honest and authentic and vulnerable it encourages me to do the same, and I proudly own the hell out of my sensitivity and my truth. I detest the culture of “Fake it till you make it,” because I’ve found in my own experiences that pretending and deflecting and swallowing my suffering only leads to further suffering.

So today I blog before you a hot freaking mess, but at least I’m an honest one.

Today, I will lead an authentic life.

Today, I will live out loud and proud.

Today, I will vow to continue to share my journey even when I’m not on the mountain top because, my dear friends, it ain’t about the damn view. It is about the climb and sometimes we just need to pause, take a breath, and yes, even ask for a hand up.

~

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