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September 5, 2020

How Rejecting my Emotions Affected my Relationships & Self-Image.

I am definitely not the right person to preach or teach anything about feelings and how to feel them all one by one.

In fact, I might be the worst person in the world to ascertain how important feelings are.

But here I am, writing about what I have rejected most of my life: my own real feelings—the deepest ones that have established my personality and my spirit.

My feelings were rejected and ignored as a child. I can sum up my experience with them as, “I need to hide my feelings,” “Feelings are not safe,” “I am not supposed to feel so deeply,” and “I am not supposed to get angry.”

I now understand the main reason I have always chosen emotionally unavailable, mentally cold, and distant men—men who never showed me what it means to be genuinely loved and desired. 

I chose these men because I felt “comfortable” with them. In none of these relationships would we talk about real feelings, let alone deep ones. We forgot to talk about love, how to love and be loved, and how to receive and give in a mutual connection.

Forget talking about sex, sexual desires, and needs—they would get out of my body as soon they would undress me. These were never the topics I wanted to discuss with those men in the past.

I blamed them for a long time.

But I can see clearly now that I rejected many of my feelings on a daily basis. I accepted certain feelings but rejected anger whenever my boundaries were breached. I felt scared and insecure when I sat alone and cried without knowing how to proceed next.

I even repressed strong sexual desires in order not to be labeled a “whore” in bed—all because of our society’s conditioning.

But this year, I feel the strong need to feel my feelings.

I feel the need to allow myself to feel whatever the moment presents me with.

I feel the strong need to honor each and every feeling as a wise guide toward my path.

We live in a world where not everyone considers the importance of feelings. More often than not, expressing our feelings or our instant emotions can turn into a disappointing experience. Before listening to us, people mostly respond with “It’s all okay,” “It will work out,” or “It’s just a phase.”

By denying our present moment reality, how we’re feeling, and not finding a space into other people (who find it hard to hold space themselves because they either don’t know how to or they feel uncomfortable), we repress or resist our feelings by finding superficial  “excuses” to how we feel.

Or we could find distractions to not feel fully each moment, especially when we experience strong feelings, like anger or fear.

But our feelings are our inner guiding system.

The way we feel reveals a lot about what we may process on a mental and emotional level. Emotions tell us about things we have outgrown and connections that haven’t been working. 

Our feelings might be here to redirect our lives.

When something doesn’t seem to work or flow, and when our feelings become persistent, it means it’s time we pay attention to them. It’s time we get intimate with our feelings and what information they’re trying to deliver, which we might be ignoring.

The thing is, I feel a lot—like maybe every other human being. It’s part of being human; unless we think we are some otherworldly creature.

I think I have always struggled with my feelings. I struggled with being intimate and getting to know the feminine, the soft, and the delicate within me. So it became a protective mechanism to toughen up.

By all means, we need to be strong and tough to be able to make it into this world—these are the qualities that are regarded as the masculine. But when we lose touch with the deepest part of our feminine and soft part, we feel something is off (I am referring to the “feminine” energy here and not the gender).

That’s why the balance between the masculine and the feminine energies within us is a must if we want to feel harmony and peace within.

The last four days, I didn’t dance or work out because I felt a strong pull to go inward. When this happens, I cannot disregard my experience that’s calling me. It’s more powerful than me. It’s like an internal earthquake trying to shake things up so it makes me stop and pay attention.

I felt I needed to be more in nature, to watch sunsets and sunrises, to ride trains and have deep conversations—I felt like having some alone time.

As a result, I obeyed the softness within me that pulled me in and led me to the outdoors, contemplating, and reflecting. I felt this is a redirection for me now in my life. How, when, or why…I don’t know—I will know when it becomes clear to me. 

My feelings were disregarded as a child, and I kept repeating this pattern in my adult relationships. I disconnected from my feelings and felt more comfortable with emotionally unavailable lovers.

I asked myself, “Why do I pick emotionally unavailable men?” The answer was easy: I never really felt comfortable with many of my deepest feelings, especially the low ones.

I hope my words would redirect you to your inner emotional compass and help you reflect on how intimate you are with your own feelings. Are you aware of all of them or just the shiny ones?

Without feelings, we would not be humans.

It’s because this tremendous capacity to feel everything so deeply, we are the awakened species on this planet.

We are made of emotions—we cannot cut ourselves off from them for too long because they will resurface until we face and embrace them.

I want to feel all the time.

Let it break me, disappoint me, depress me, trigger me, scare me, amuse me, and inspire me.

I want to feel all my feelings because they are all like little children within me asking for my love and attention.

If I am not able to tend to my feelings and offer a listening ear, I won’t be able to really hear or connect with any other human out there.

~

 

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