8 Signs He’s Emotionally Unavailable.

Via Jayson Gaddis
on Feb 23, 2016
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A while back I asked this question on my Facebook wall:

Women: I’m curious how you “spot” an emotionally unavailable guy. What are the most common signs in your experience?”

I got some great responses, and I asked a similar question to women in my private community.

I geek-out on this subject because I was a very emotionally unavailable man for over a decade and it caused me a ton of pain and was a cause of many failed relationships.

Safe to say I know the “emotionally unavailable guy” pretty well.

Anyone who’s dated a guy like this can probably understand how frustrating and confusing it can be. So, here’s a quick guide on the eight signs he’s emotionally unavailable:

1. Self-denial.

He’s in constant denial about his feelings by saying, “I’m fine.” This is a classic statement of incongruency that breeds mistrust in his partner. She doesn’t trust him and knows there’s more going on because there is more going on. Most often his denying behavior looks like defensiveness. For example, if his partner says he seems shut down or emotionally unavailable he will declare that he isn’t. He may insist that there is no problem, that they have a great relationship, or that she’s making “mountains out of molehills.”

I often said I was “fine” when I wasn’t. I also denied that I had any issues that needed to be worked on. I never took responsibility and most often blamed my girlfriends for the way I was feeling.

2. Incongruence.

When he’s incongruent, it triggers mistrust. He says one thing, then contradicts it in his actions or words. So, in a new relationship, maybe he says he wants to be friends, then flirts for more, but later holds the boundary line of “just friends” when she flirts back. This can show up as him insisting on arrangements that are one-sided. For example, he clearly states he wants intimacy and reassurance like touching base mornings and evenings, or spending much of their free time together, but he is uninterested in sharing feelings, validating her, or being there for her when she’s emotionally in a tough spot and reaching out for support.

3. Inconsistent and ambivalent.

A bit like incongruence, but here he constantly changes what he wants and what he will offer. Perhaps he shows up big at first, then pulls away after a few months or years. He may be hot for her one week, only to show little interest a few days later. He’s very hot and cold, push and pull.
It’s normal to experience changes in what we want or need, but he regularly gives just enough to hook her before pulling away. He is keenly interested in one kind of intimacy, but avoids another. This means he can be physically affectionate and want sex (especially on his terms) but stops short at expressing his emotions or his attachment. He can also talk a big game and declare his undying love and devotion, but then avoid physical intimacy.

I did this one with every woman I dated. I’d say I was into them and I was pretty convincing, but a day later, I’d be annoyed and irritable and just want to be alone or with guy friends because I thought they were “easier.”

Deep down, men like this are very ambivalent about being close with a woman for a long period of time. The older a man gets, the more he hates this about himself, and he often stays stuck by staying in the relationship, but giving very little.

4. Disconnection. 

At a certain point in the relationship, often early on, he begins to distance himself. For him, distancing is a habit. It feels like his primary relationship is with his phone or his computer, not her. He pulls away or shuts down. He can’t look her in the eyes. He is slow to return texts. He says “I’m busy” or “I’m tired” and vacantly smiles and nods when she shares her feelings or important news, but pretty much stays silent. His disconnection can also manifest in lots of habitual or even compulsive “checking out” behavior, like TV, alcohol, porn, screen time or his phone.

When I used to get triggered by the women I dated, I didn’t know how to be with myself or my feelings so I would simply disconnect or check out. It’s what most normal people do who don’t know how to deal with their internal upset.

5. Disengages from relationship.

 After disconnecting, this is where he disengages from the relationship. He no longer puts his resources—time, energy, money—into nurturing the relationship. He stops initiating calls, emails, texts, sex, and conversations about deeper things. He is on his way out and becomes “checked out.” This begins to show up as him always putting himself and his other relationships first.
Another clue can be voluntary changes in routine and habits that result in less connection. For example, consistently making plans with others on his normal date night with his girlfriend, without setting an alternative time with her.

She’ll also notice that he’s not interested in topics important to her. Not only the relationship and her feelings, but her life, work, family and aspirations. He shows little interest in their life together, from household issues to vacation or weekend plans. This can also manifest as constant “forgetting.”

For me, the moment my relationships got hard, I’d have a very hard time showing my genuine interest, so I put on a fake smile and said things were fine. But inside I was truly losing interest mostly because I didn’t know how to deal with the relationship challenges. And it showed.

6. Dismissive.

He indirectly or directly labels her as “too much,” “too sensitive,” “too serious,” “too dramatic,” “crazy,” or neurotic for sharing her feelings and wanting to talk about the relationship and deeper subjects. When she shares her upset and difficult feelings, he makes her wrong for “making such a big deal out it.” He’s consistently unwilling (or unable) to see her point of view as a valid possibility, and thus, won’t validate her feelings.

Whenever my girlfriends would tell me their upset, I’d become the coach or helper trying to fix them or make them feel better, which often resulted in them feeling dismissed.

7. Blame and avoiding responsibility.

He really doesn’t see his part and avoids taking responsibility for any of his relationship challenges—his fear, his wall, and his guarded heart. He doesn’t try to see his own contribution to relationship problems, even after she has owned up to her side. His default setting is defensiveness and makes the relationship challenges about her, and she ends up being overly responsible for how the relationship turns out.

He might even avoid responsibility for ending the relationship, long after he has lost interest, saying things like “you deserve better than me” and trying to get her to make the decision.

The only thing I ever owned was that I didn’t want to call her my girlfriend. I didn’t want to say “I love you” because that was reserved for when I met The One. Imagine how the women I dated felt. Yikes.

8. Dishonesty.

He flat out lies and not only withholds his love from his partners, but he literally doesn’t share certain things. Inside his head he justifies this as “If I tell her this she’s just going to freak out and it’s not that big of a deal, so there’s no need to tell her.” But deep down he’s simply scared of her reaction and the conflict he’ll have to deal with (that he doesn’t know how to deal with) when she gets upset. He may also tell someone that he’s happily married but be leaking or running sexual energy with other women. He doesn’t want to end his marriage or give his spouse a chance to pull out. He wants to keep what he’s doing a secret until it runs its course. In general terms, he’s majorly dishonest with himself and other intimate people in his life.

I wouldn’t tell women that I was beginning to be interested in someone else. I was too scared and freaked out to let her know for fear of creating more drama I didn’t want.

So, now we have a portrait of this guy.

But remember, this guy isn’t wrong, and it’s not necessarily his fault. If he’s a normal male, he was conditioned into this through his upbringing and doesn’t even know it’s going on with him. Thus, underneath all of these behaviors lie unconscious motives that serve to keep him safe in his comfort zone.

So, if you can relate to this and are with a man like this, he needs your help, starting with a gentle kick in the ass. You can begin that process here.

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Bonus video:

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Relephant:

Two Words That could be Hurting Our Relationships.

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Author: Jayson Gaddis

Editor: Katarina Tavčar

Photo: Mirøslav Hristøff/Flickr


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About Jayson Gaddis

Jayson Gaddis, host of The Smart Couple Podcast , relationship geek and host of the Smart Couple Podcast, is on a mission to teach people the one class they didn’t get in school--”How to do intimate relationships.” He was emotionally constipated for years before relationship failure forced him to master relationships. Now, he’s married to his amazing wife of 8 years and has two beautiful kids. When he doesn’t live and breathe this stuff with his family, he pretty much gets his ass handed to him. Jayson writes his own highly personal blog, and has also written for Integral Life, Digital Romance, The Jungle of Life, Primer Magazine, Recovering Yogi, The Good Men Project. You can find him here: Jayson Gaddis or sign up for a free training here if you are dealing with an emotionally unavailable man like Jayson used to be. You can also become a fan on Facebook here: Jayson Gaddis Fan Page.

Comments

4 Responses to “8 Signs He’s Emotionally Unavailable.”

  1. marie sandstrom says:

    sounds like a case of narcissistic personality disorder to me-I should know I was with one:(

  2. glasswing says:

    Agreed. I'm sorry if this all sounds harsh to the writer, but this is not "every man" or just an emotionally unavailable man. I feel like the article tries to pass this off as "not a big deal, he just needs a little help and understanding". The behaviour described is that of a very selfish, self centred individual. I think.. sure.. we all have these behaviours at times, some more than others. But to fit everything on the list… that is a sign of a very unhealthy relationship. This is more than just "typical male" behaviour. Man or woman, someone exhibiting these symptoms is likely not ready for a relationship. The problem is a lot of these behaviours could also come from laziness or as Marie said, narcissistic personality disorder. I would be very careful to examine the situation if I felt I was with a person like this.. or you could end up very damaged yourself.

    The compassionate side of me has to chime in and say that the man described here may have been very hurt in childhood or past relationships, so certainly I understand. But I think unless he showed serious signs of change and working on himself, I would be walking away pretty quickly. Learned that the hard way. The other consideration, imagine if you had a child with a person like this…

  3. @olliesounds says:

    Plenty of women who act this same way and will turn around and blame it on everything from their period to menopause to mid-life crises to hot flashes to just needing a G-spot tour guide! Christ! I went through my 'wild oats' at an early age, and now I feel as if I'm paying ten fold for the crimes of my youth because of the empathy I try to exhibit and finding nothing but soul-sucking users who find me nothing more than a convenient emotional tampon. I'm just trying to love and be loved, but I'm finding some of the most materialistic sociopaths imaginable. I feel sorry for their destined counterparts. That's going to be a hefty psychiatric bill!

  4. Mike says:

    I think it's really, REALLY important to note though, that women often manipulate (not intentionally, just do) this trait or problem into making it wholly about them, as if they are responsible, or at least partly. Often times, it's not the case at all. With that said, they shouldn't have to be the beneficiary, and theirs also no reason to make it a confrontation.