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September 16, 2020

The Messy, Broken (& even Beautiful) Leftovers of Lost Love.

 

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These are the leftovers of love.

The first leftovers include breathing, exhalation, calming, tiredness caused by pain, burning in the eyes, inability to understand, and trembling. It looks like resentment, disappointment, pain, shock, nightmares, and many questions.

When was the mistake made? How could you not recognize it? What didn’t you see? 

Then you begin rewinding—watching your story 100 (maybe 1,000) times.

Then comes the understanding; the normalization, and acceptance. 

Then maybe you stumble upon the “mutant leftovers.” There will be some clues. You’ll start getting angry with yourself—angry at the words you told yourself. 

And then you’ll start interpreting yourself independently; you’ll start finding yourself and think, maybe, you’re better without it. 

Some days, you’ll flash an upright smile, and some days you’ll be too tired to stand up. You’ll be struck by despair; you’ll feel emaciated; you’ll relive the sensual memories and the hurtful words. 

There will be a feeling of alienation—you’ll wonder why they ever entered your life.

You’ll try to enjoy the feeling of being close to yourself while slowly alienating from the past. Perhaps you’ll see an emergence of those parts of yourself—the ones that tried to make your voice heard in the relationship.

Then you’ll find the pleasant leftovers: relaxation, an increase of moments that make you smile. You’ll find moments of pleasure in the places you go. There will be improvements, change, renewal (of everything), and each will give a different taste—enjoy it.

Your interests, self-love, effort, and time are literally coming back to you, exactly as you deserve and as it should be. 

And then you’ll find yourself—the most important leftover. Start hugging yourself, loving yourself, and understanding yourself.

Ironically, all these intense feelings that we interpret as love are actually the greatest teachers of our lives. Yeah, it wasn’t funny then, but it is now. I guess healing our own wounds increases our sense of humor?

Strengthen yourself as time passes, and remember that all leftovers are normal (even the scary, mutant ones)!

The greatest leftover from this adventure—which started with love but ended in resentment and pain—is a sense of humor and your sense of self.

You have to do it, girl; you have to find the you that’s leftover.  

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