*Warning: naughty language ahead!
Let’s talk about sex.
I mean, let’s get our adult asses, sit, and have a deep, raw, honest conversation about sex—what it means to you, to me, to everyone.
First of all, sex should not be a taboo topic anymore. I think it’s time we talk about it more, in public and in school.
And I’m not talking only about the biology of sex.
I am talking about sexual experiences and what they do to us physically, mentally, and emotionally. And overall, spiritually.
We need to educate ourselves (and our children) about what it is, what it is not, and how to experience it in healthy ways.
Secondly, as adults, we need to feel comfortable talking about it in the dating department and then in our live-in partnerships.
As adults, it’s our responsibility to understand what sex is and what it is not.
We need to talk about pornography and how it affects men and women and their sexual relationships.
We need to talk about penis. We need to talk about pussy. With ease. Not in offensive ways, but in free, adult-like ways—in ways where we can be comfortable talking about our sex organs.
Why do we say, “Down there?” When we can refer to our sexual organs as pussy, vagina, and penis?
“Down there” or “between your legs” sound like childish labels to me.
Why are we not comfortable referring to our sexual organs with their original names? Why do we hide behind our words?
We need to learn a new sex language.
If there is one topic I want to finally be able to talk about—stand up for myself about—with partners or lovers, it is sex.
I want him to know how I experienced sex in the past. And that I don’t want to experience it again in that way.
I want to tell him how I felt shame, insecurity, and self-worth issues because past lovers never stopped to ask me what I liked in bed, and I was too insecure to tell them what I wanted or liked.
I was too ashamed. I did not know much about my body, having had sexual trauma in childhood and painfully low self-esteem at the time. And they were too impatient to give a fuck about asking me anything.
They wanted me in bed—to fuck me and be done. Simple as that.
There was no communication, really.
I never felt seen, or heard, not understood.
My body was being served to them.
I was their next treat.
Sex has always been painful for me.
Why? Because it has never been a fully embodied experience for me. It has always been a hit-and-run experience.
Sex has been one of the most painful, empty, unsatisfying, dull, triggering experiences I have ever had—multiple times in the past.
I always felt my body was being used, abused, and at moments, I felt like I was being “raped.”
My body would shrink, become immobile like a corpse.
I would close my eyes so that I wouldn’t see their red, aroused, sweaty faces between my breasts.
I would close my eyes to feel what was happening to my body and how they were treating it.
I want to finally open up and talk more about the importance of communication—before, during, and after sex with a partner.
Because sex really is another form of communication. Most of us just don’t know how, due to fear, insecurity, not wanting to make our partner feel bad, or because we don’t know any better.
But sex and pleasure should be the highest form of communication between two people.
It should be a form of getting to know the other person on an intimate, even vulnerable, level.
Sex needs to be a highly pleasurable, nourishing, and enlightening experience.
It can be fun, raw, wild, or soft. It does not matter its manifestations.
What matters is communicating our needs and boundaries.
We, especially women, need to let our partners know what kind of touch turns us on and what turns us off, so our bodies won’t feel like they want to shrink and close off.
We need to spend time and give proper attention to our lover or partner’s body; it is a mystery, not something to be compared with any other past lover.
And we need to fucking converse.
We can certainly do so with kindness and compassion for our partners, but we need to speak up and talk and let them know.
It does not matter if we are with a lover for a week, a month, or years; we need to be able to talk about our sexuality, desires, and needs. And we need to respect theirs too.
I will not allow one more man to be on top of me and treat my body like a corpse that he can penetrate in any way he wants without considering that I’m in pain in certain positions or that I may bleed because of his stupidity—because he’s getting to know my body too slowly. I will not allow that or any other consequences that might arise and be dangerous to my overall health.
I won’t allow one more man anymore to hang his penis over my chest, asking me if I want it.
I won’t allow one more man to give me “oral sex” when I don’t want it—when I need him to touch me and hold me. Instead, maybe I want to feel his fingertips navigating my back as my body slowly wakes up to his touch.
I won’t allow one more man to step on my body without him asking me what I want or need and if I like what he is doing.
I won’t allow one more man to fuck my body if he has not penetrated my mind and heart first.
I won’t allow one more man to get close to me physically if he is not patient, attentive, caring, treating my body with utter respect, and understanding of how I respond to his touch.
If you are a woman reading this, I want you to know that your sexuality and sensuality can also be explored by yourself first through dance, meditation, self-pleasure, and many other forms.
Find things and activities that make you feel sexy or sexual.
Find ways that you can explore and witness your erotic self.
You can start healing your past sexual trauma and reconnect with your erotic essence through self-exploration.
Really touch your body (in different parts)—observe how your pussy and heart connect as one. That’s your core erotic self.
Or wear a sexy outfit and look yourself in the mirror! Allow yourself to experiment with lingerie. Allow your body the freedom to move and look sexy.
Or dance a particular style of dance you like.
It’s fundamental for you, as a woman, to connect with your body—feel it from within—for you to understand it and your sexual desires.
You can claim your sexual self without a partner.
You can claim your sexy self in different forms, and then you can share it with a mature lover. Someone who will be able to see, hear, and ask questions (if you both decide to have sex or fuck).
Without giving ourselves, as women, permission to freely dive into our sexual desires and sexual self-expression, we will find it hard to heal our sexual wounds and have amazing sex with a current or future lover (or partner).
Also, understand that you are and can be sexual.
Find healthy ways of expressing your sexual and sensual self without the presence of a man.
You are a sexual being, regardless of being in a relationship or not.
You have that sexual spark in you whether you are in a relationship or not.
So use it in creative and healthy ways that serve you and your inner well-being first.
You don’t have to indulge in sexual encounters if it’s not going to be good for you mentally and emotionally—especially if you are scared to talk about your sexual desires.
Let’s learn more about our bodies and our sexual energy before we share it with another. This way, when we do, it can be deeply satisfying, nourishing, and blissful.
Sex should be just that: deeply satisfying and nourishing—whether it’s soft or wild.
If it’s not, find out why.
Finally, I want to tell you: I’m not a sex expert.
But I wanted to verbalize this topic, which is a big theme of self-healing at the deepest parts of myself at this time.
Dance is opening up new dimensions of my being, and sexuality is one of those dimensions. For the first time, I’m touching it, getting to know myself on an intimate sensual level, understanding what I like, and how to express this part of me.
Dancing can be a big healing modality for you if you have suffered from similar sexual issues.
And finally, know you are not alone in your struggles, sexual in nature or not.
I am here to tell you that you are not weird.
You have all the right to ask for a deeply satisfying and nourishing sexual experience.
If you are not experiencing sex on these levels, ask yourself why.
Feeling confident in our unique, sexual self is a must before we dive into sex with another.