As I sit and wait and listen, my breath begins to cease.
I stare into the mind of thoughts unkept and unfounded.
I know this space, and I have ventured here many times before, but now I am different, I tell myself.
Now I know what to do.
Sure, I know to meditate, to practice alternate nostril breathing, to go for a walk and spend time outdoors, and to tidy up, but it does not make it easier in this darkness. In this space between places.
Exhaustion and uncertainty of completeness have chased me down for decades.
I know in a few days this energy will pass, but right now, in this moment, I cannot see the ending yet. For now, I sit in silence, in the unkept thoughts of the mind. The thoughts that I know I am making.
That is the redundancy of this; I know it is a pattern engrained within that has gone off as a result of a conversation with someone. I know it is a pattern coming forward to be broken, to be released. Yet right now, in this moment, I have no urge to fight it.
I sit in love for myself, in forgiveness, and acceptance, for I know that is the antidote and that shame cannot survive in this environment. I am a human, a person on this journey, and I know that joy is found within. But right now, in this moment, the experience of pain is flooding my gut.
I sit and I whisper sweet nothings to myself. I place my hands on my heart and speak, “I am love,” but still—silence.
I know the time will pass, the night will lift; I know as this moon wanes that I am releasing. There is a death within me creeping in quickly. How long will it last? How long until I see?
Only time knows, and time is not linear, so right now, perhaps as I write these words, perhaps I will see the death of self once again and welcome rebirth without restraint.
It is in these moments where I write that it all makes sense—the loss, the sorrow, the love, and the peace. I have trained for this because sadness is a pattern, a message in itself. Today, I choose to witness the pain and the sorrow, for I know there is power in the messages it holds.
To you, I say this: there is no shame in feeling the sadness—in witnessing the pain. There is no shame in feeling conflicted, confused, or uncertain.
The antidote is stillness, in finding a way to talk with this emotion that is self-made. Yes, outside experiences are real, but what is your inner landscape telling you? What is your body communicating? Can you breathe a little deeper? Move a little slower?
Stop running from your pain; it’ll chase you until the end.
May you walk in love and acceptance.