Holidays have always felt lonely for me.
These days make me sad for reasons I cannot tell.
They make me feel teary.
Something is being stirred within me as if the air is pulling my heart out to the surface of my chest and I feel cold suddenly.
Especially when I’m at a home or in a family environment, whether it’s my family or any other family.
I don’t connect with the way of celebrating. Maybe because it feels superficial.
When I was a child I was excited to have Christmas or New Years’ because of a lot of food and sweets my mom would prepare, which we’d usually have on regular days, but on these holidays, it was more—and I liked the sense of abundance.
But instead of staying at home eating and drinking and having random chit chats, I would prefer to be outside, feeling the nighttime breeze, or go to a playground and laugh and play like a child, or I would prefer to visit a new store or place and go around.
Maybe try a new dessert and a new type of wine or drink at a restaurant with family or a close friend or a lover among lights and the night’s air.
I feel like an outsider, where everyone is doing the same thing and I would like it to be different.
Maybe because I’m a loner.
But I feel sad when the holidays come.
I feel happy in my regular days doing what I love the most.
I don’t need the holidays to feel better or to meet others to help me feel better.
And I don’t want to have random conversations around the table eating and drinking.
I would prefer instead to go for a long walk and watch the stars in a dark night and see how they celebrate every day without needing any calendar day.
I would prefer to go out there and do something different, you know? Something that sparks a real star in my heart and tells me it’s a holiday—let’s laugh and be silly or get naked and dive into a freezing ocean or sea.
But the truth is, I don’t want to celebrate if I feel sad.
I would allow sadness to fall into me and pass through.
I don’t have to celebrate and have random conversations if I feel the need to be alone and in my space.
I don’t have to.
And neither do you.
Some of us are wired differently and that’s okay.
Some of us don’t have good memories of our childhood holiday times.
And some of us prefer to be alone instead of celebrating with a bunch of people.
If holidays don’t sparkle some soft stars within my heart like they do for most people, it’s okay—if celebrating it differently, in ways my weird, different soul would be attracted to, then I would go for it.
Sometimes solitude, even in holidays, is better if that is what you need; it’s better than pushing yourself into plans with people who may make no sense to you.
Find your ways to celebrate—or not—this holiday.
Be alone if you want to.
Or with someone, if that’s what you want.
Or randomly celebrating with your family.
But whatever it is, just feel it, the way it feels for you.
You don’t have to celebrate if that’s not your thing.