In life, we will be faced with heartbreak.
We can choose to sit in that pain or we can learn and grow. I know the wounds are deep and that trauma and grief are oftentimes excruciating. The torment is relentless and every devastating emotion emerges—slapping you hard across the face just in case you forgot how f*cking broken you actually are.
Love can be epic in its beauty yet brutal in its lessons. It can take you places you have never been. Some, you will want to excitedly revisit and others, you will wish you never laid eyes on. Heaven and hell all rolled into one majestically, turbulent ball, which, regardless of the outcome, will teach you some of the hardest lessons in the hopes this will propel you forward.
For months, your words—your promises—kept reverberating through my mind on repeat. A constant replay. A total mindf*ck I clung too, knuckles white as they gripped on for whatever life they could cling to. Over and over again, driving me to despair. Until I understood the lesson—I had to let go.
Do you remember when you said, “Have faith?” I do, and the funny thing is, my faith in us was never in question. I have come to realise you perhaps didn’t have faith in yourself and my lesson—a reminder to have faith in myself.
You had those unnecessary and hurtful jealousies and a need to control the relationship. I couldn’t understand it, at the time, it near drove me f*cking crazy. But reflection has taught me these were driven by your own internal insecurities, your own fears, and I learnt—tolerance and patience.
My own worry about the future. My own insecurities and thinking I needed to control the outcome instead of allowing things to flow, I had to learn—trust and surrender.
I let you take me for granted by always wanting to please you! I recognise by not respecting myself enough, I allowed you to sometimes disrespect me. This lesson was definitely harsh, but I have learnt— boundaries, big ass boundaries and a significant dose of self-respect.
I have owned my mistakes in all their f*cking messiness. I have spoken my truth, voice shaky, heart pounding, and no matter how softly I spoke or how gently I mouthed some words, they still sounded cruel to another—because sometimes the truth can be a devastating blow. But I cannot be weighed down by any untruths or secrets. To become the most authentic and genuine me, I cannot and will not lie to myself any longer. Through this, my integrity and strength of character shine.
You brought me a lot of happiness. Excitement. You inspired me. I felt like you were the missing piece of my puzzle. But we were this mirror to each other. Bringing out the very best and the very worst. We literally cracked each other open, revealing all the beautiful and ugly parts that needed healing. A divine lesson that needed to be learnt—I am whole alone and happiness comes from within.
Understanding that the way people treat us is a direct reflection of them, not us and what we allow. Their behaviour is a reflection to their internal struggles and insecurities and once I understood this—I learnt even more compassion.
An ending is usually shrouded in emotion. Pain, disappointment, maybe anger, hurt, and sadness. But I have worked through these emotions, and I only want happiness for you, even if that is without me—I know unconditional love.
The passion, love, and energy we once shared was intense. It shook us to the core and was felt like an electric current in every part of our being. It was a magnetic pull that brought us to life. It bloody slapped us awake, from whatever slumber we were in. It breathed in all this hope, desire, and passion, which did not end when we did. I now live this in every area of my life—I have rediscovered purpose and intent. I am using the fire awakened in me to pursue all my dreams.
You had this ability to make me feel like the most beautiful and amazing woman on the planet at times. I remember you looking at me like I was magic—this taught me self-belief and reminded me how important self-love is. I don’t need anyone to remind me of my beauty.
Your exit from my life cut through my soul, slicing me into pieces. I felt a darkness suppress every part of my being. I questioned everything. Myself. You. Us. Life. My existence. I was terrified my light had been forever extinguished. There was this ache, this overwhelming sadness. I desperately looked inside myself and found the lesson—strength and resilience.
One foot in front of the other. Day by day, one step forward, and two steps back. Then two steps forward and one back. Keep moving forward. Keep looking forward. Forward, forward, forward with love in my heart regardless of the outcome—now I understand forgiveness.
Some of the best moments are lived in complete privacy. They are lived in the moments. The amazing moments shared by two people. The laughs. The tears. The joy. The sorrow. The passion and the intimacy. The hellos and the goodbyes. They are lived without need of photos. Without need of plastering over social media. They are just lived—in this, I have learnt presence.
Bitterness and resentment is an easy path to follow. I came to that fork in the road, and I chose the path less travelled. It didn’t happen straight away but with each lesson, I realised the blessing I had been given. Love is the most profound gift we can give each other and ourselves. And it was a revelation of sorts that I felt appreciation of you. Of the universe and of myself for everything we were given. Everything that was taken away. Everything we shared. And everything we learnt—what a pure gift it is to understand and feel true gratitude.
Many words were said. Some words did not reflect actions. Some actions defied the words spoken. Clarity was lost. Meaning was confused. Distance was inevitable. I have been able to forgive without ever receiving a real apology, and what I learnt was invaluable—I learnt grace.
I will never regret our time. To feel so connected to another human is nothing short of unadulterated bliss. People come into our lives for all different reasons and varying amounts of time but they all have a purpose. We can choose what we take from each experience. Accept and release, in doing so, I learnt my most precious lesson—I learnt peace.