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Healing has been my ultimate goal for the last decade or so.
I had compartmentalized various traumas from my life, focusing on specific ones at a time so as not to overwhelm myself.
I had successfully, thoroughly processed through my original traumatic experience from my teenage years and decided to give myself a break. It was a difficult and exhausting road and I needed some space to take a breath and celebrate my journey thus far.
During this time, I engaged in different energy-related activities like tarot and rune readings, I was introduced to my spirit guides, and was told by many people that I had an innate gift of clairvoyance that just needed to be tapped into.
I would text a friend out of the blue and she’d answer with, “How do you do that? I was just thinking of you!” And I had the ability to “see” people’s causes of suffering and offer up support about things that they had never mentioned to me (or, oftentimes, anyone else).
I had always had an interest in Reiki, though I knew little about it—and even less about how to study it. I didn’t quite feel ready to go down that path.
I knew there was another period of my life that I had yet to deal with. Easily the darkest year of my life, in my early 20s. A story I was not prepared to tell or relive or work through. I knew that someday I would have to, but I just wanted to spend a little more time in my happy, semi-healed place. By this time, I was overwhelmingly happy with my partner and our comical group of animal-children, living in the mountains, off-grid, in a tiny cabin, gardening, building our lives together, and loving life.
In the fall of 2018, an old friend of mine came to visit. We had known each other for nearly 15 years; she had been there for that dark year of my life. During her visit, we had a bonfire and we sat and chatted for hours, reminiscing about some fun memories and talking about old friends. We spoke of another mutual friend of ours that I had recently had a falling-out with, and I mentioned that she had always thought of me as the “hot mess friend” and never quite evolved from that perception of me.
“And I was a hot mess! I can’t deny that,” I joked with her.
“Like with…you know who?” She replied with a cute smile on her face. We chuckled. I changed the subject.
And just like that, like a two-by-four being swung at full force into my gut, I was knocked into my second round of dealing with sh*t.
Yes, like with him. Hearing his name brought it all to the surface.
For almost six months, I was driven right back into intense healing mode.
Then, in the spring of 2019, I experienced a profound release. Suddenly, there was no hiding from it anymore. It was coming out; there was nothing I could do to stop it. After months of writing and processing and trying to work through my anger and sadness, I stood in our driveway, with my partner, crying helplessly into his shoulder, and said the words, “It happened so long ago—I’m just so ready to let it go.”
And a surge of energy swept through me. I felt it rush up through my feet from the earth, down through the crown of my head, and it accumulated in my left fist. I clenched tightly. I felt an immense amount of fear. Fear about my own identity. If I let this all go, then who am I? I’ve defined myself by this, this is part of me…this is who I am.
In that moment, I’ve never felt so scared or so confused. And in the next moment, I decided to let it go. I opened my fist and all of that energy rushed out of me, like a river, and I watched it flow down our property, and out of sight. I felt so clear. So light. And so very tired.
The next day, I woke up feeling like a new person. I went to work like normal; I drank coffee and ate food; and I did all my usual things—but the world was different. I was different. I no longer had that heaviness, that tucked away box in the back of my mind that I knew I would have to open at some point. It was opened up now, cleaned out, filled with joy, and I felt clarity like I’d never felt before.
About two weeks later, I started feeling buzzing in my hands.
Studying energy work was all I thought about, and while I still knew next to nothing about Reiki, I was being strongly pulled in that direction. I wasn’t quite sure why, but I knew I had shifted, things were aligning quickly, and I knew that I was finally ready. I had finally let go of that which was holding me back.
I reached out to an old acquaintance of mine who I knew did energy work.
Turns out, she was looking for a Reiki apprentice. The Universe knew what was up.