We were close to each other once, like family.
And, it was my choice to walk away.
Even so, my heart was broken, and I felt guilty for leaving. I mean, I’d signed up for the relationship—I owed something.
The signs of betrayal, the two faces, the dishonesty—they’d been there. Despite the warm smiles and sweet embraces, I knew something was amiss; like cold, sharp breezes, they blew straight through my shoulders and into my gut, warning me.
It confused me, though—the dichotomy of it. And I did my best to ignore it. Maybe, I’d hoped it was an illusion, a figment of my imagination. And, truthfully, I didn’t know to expect or ask for much different.
Then, the fog burned off and there was all this sun and crystal clear clarity. I couldn’t look away from what I’d pretended not to see before. There were no conversations or discussions to be had.
Sometimes, there are no words; there is only a knowing.
And, I just knew I’d given away too much of myself: my power, my spirit. I needed to take my space. Yet, I questioned why I didn’t feel entitled to have that time. And then, I remembered my psychology—the reasons I’d found myself within an imbalanced relationship. The stories I told myself, the patterns I had, and the beliefs I’d held; they relayed old messages of low self-worth and a false responsibility to others.
My remorse and self-doubt begged me, from a psychological perspective, to unlearn the truth and turn a blind eye. Life would’ve been easier if I did. I’d be adored (seemingly), and I wouldn’t have to disappoint anyone, either.
But, I couldn’t shut my eyes, no matter how hard I tried. That’s how it is with spiritual and emotional growth. You can’t go backward without sacrificing your integrity.
In Sacred Contracts, by Caroline Myss, she explains, “From a symbolic point of view, as well as from the traditional position of much of Eastern religious thought, no one is in your life by accident.”
And, she goes on to say, “The intimate relationships of your life, such as your family, friends, mates, lovers, close working partners, and even your adversaries are all part of your agreements to learn certain lessons on earth.”
All the while, and in spite of my old beliefs, my spiritual nature broke through. The shiver within my spine and the incongruences, they revealed the spiritual knowledge I needed. They beckoned me to move forward, to self-actualize, and acquire the spiritual lessons laid out for me.
Once I reframed my relationships and defined them as soul agreements, I realized I had signed up, so to speak, for all of my relationships. But, not to be beholden to the other party or their social agenda. Rather, I’d committed to the teachings, to my personal and spiritual expansion.
I’ve come to understand my guilt, shame, and regret over the end of my relationship as products of my upbringing. But, in no way do they reflect the aspects of my higher purpose.
In truth, I’ve learned that the completion of our agreements are essential for our spiritual development. And, that our souls may be guiding us to walk away, to stop hurting ourselves and acquire vital information.
This self-understanding and the insights gained become our spiritual capital, yielding inspiration and renewed energy.
From this light, there is no remorse or questioning. Instead, there is gratitude for the chance to evolve, transform, and attain our spiritual attributes: like faith, forgiveness, and compassion.
“Indeed, every relationship and experience is an opportunity for you to grow and transform your life. Some relationships may even offer multiple opportunities. In every one you will have to choose how to exercise your own power.” ~ Carolyn Myss