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My name is Lisa, and I have stopped taking the birth control pill.
Did I mention that I’m middle-aged and feel somewhat seasoned to be taking “The Pill?” Yes, I’m trying to clean out my body and go a la natural. It’s time, my dear ladies, to rejoice in our impending health and just let our cycles welcome mid-life…or not?
When I first stopped taking the pill, I felt fine. A week passed, nothing changed, no alarm bells went off. Then I had a sudden urge to screw my husband; there was no alcohol needed! I was this libidinous lunatic. I was obnoxious—everywhere I went, I was like a cat in heat. Please remind me to stay away from Trader Joes for a bit. Ahem…
Then about a week later, I felt off. So I conducted my obsessive research for hours on end, thanks to Google, and have concluded why my ass is the size of Jersey and my gas, well, I won’t go there.
Okay, I will:
1. Horrific gas that can end world wars.
I will continue my colonics therapy with Liann—I love her Aura chakra, sage burning, and psychic readings all while she pushes a hose in my bum! I swear you will leave with a flat belly and a happy root chakra! But unfortunately, this doesn’t last, and the bloating and gas persists. I can fart to the whole song of “Let it Go!” Just ask my kids…it’s cute…not really.
2. Boobs decided to take a giant nosedive.
So, ladies, this is what happens when you decide to retire in taking the pill. We all want to feel healthy, sexy, vigorous, and pretend that we are all supermodels so that we can dance on the beach to a Chris Isaak song—all good things come to an end.
My boobs have fallen so much that my daughter has used them as a slide. I can drag them over and under; I can paint them blue and wear them as a scarf when winter decides to hit L.A.
3. Weight gain that will make Chris Christie envious.
I have gained 100-lbs in weeks. I have been recruited to elastic pants like my Grandma Helen. I have this recurring dream of playing “Bridge” all of a sudden with Ruthie and Shirley. But I don’t want to get off subject right now.
4. Hair? What hair?
Hair loss, you ask? Oh…it’s so nice to see my scalp. Pretty shade of pink. Wow, I haven’t been this bald since…never! I’m starting to play with comb-overs.
Switching birth control pills or going off it completely could trigger telogen effluvium, a temporary condition that causes your hair to shed. Telogen effluvium usually subsides within six months, then you can do hair commercials with all your glorious new virginal hair, or a music video with Bon Jovi.
Personally, I would do the video.
5. Oh, the joys of pimples.
Acne, ah, my good friend. I have battled this one forever. It’s so nice that it has collaborated with my brown spots and fine lines. This is got to be the worst. It’s even decided to take residency on my back, chest, and neck. Stupid kids ask if I have chickenpox; I have told them to f*ck off several times this week.
Did I mention irritability, insomnia, cramping, anxiety, melancholia, headaches, and now, zero libido?
Listen, I know this is just a phase, but I wanted to share with all you lovely ladies and a friendly warning to your spouses and partners. So, when that fateful day comes, and you decide to do the big deed and cleanse your bodies, remember this blog from your gassy middle-aged friend.