March 8, 2021

The Dilemma of Making Hard Choices, Letting Go & Embracing Chaos.

Walls versus bridges—flesh heart versus stone heart.

Oftentimes, we get lost and lonely in the walls that we have built, trying to protect our hearts and our little, fragile souls. We get too lost and invested, and the way out is practically invisible and nowhere to be seen.

Also, we frequently wear our hearts on our sleeves, go out there, face our giants, and end up terribly wounded, armless, and completely exposed.

Life is one tricky dilemma, always challenging us, whether we like it or not, whether we can handle it or not. It always has a way of proving us right and wrong, letting us feel guilt and satisfaction, shame and pride, fulfilments and regrets.

As a woman embarking this earth, I find myself defying gravity, trying to understand what this life is really about.

You see, we frequently find ourselves (more than we expect) at a crossroad in our lives. Should we choose this person or that person, this job or that job, this country or that country, settling or reaching, satisfaction or greed, love or career, ultimate happiness or short-lived pleasures, mind or heart, spirituality or tangibility?

The list goes on and on since, as we all know, we were born free on this earth. This sword of free cuts both ways—it’s a curse and a blessing—as sometimes, even if we don’t like to admit it, we prefer not having a choice and complying since choosing something tends to always mean we lose the other side to this choice. What a paradox.

To choose ultimate happiness might practically mean we have to endure and go through things and feelings we don’t want to deal with in the beginning.

To choose spirituality means we have to slowly detach from the materials that keep us bound to the concrete—to what can be seen and touched.

To choose settling means we have to be satisfied with what we have and live with what is available. To always reach for more might sound ambitious, but it can also lead to greed and the inability to find satisfaction and fulfilment in this life.

How I see it is that life itself is a list of choices, a bunch of crossroads, and the only constant it holds is that for it to continue, there must be constant change and constant choosing between things and paths.

Life also puts several people in our way—those who break us, those who make us, and those who fit in between.

I wish we knew the perfect way to balance having walls to block versus having bridges to cross and gates to open.

I wish we knew the perfect architecture to the imaginary castle we gradually build for ourselves.

I wish we knew when to let our soft hearts of flesh breathe and when to lock them away in the stone exterior.

All I know is I’ve seen the two extremes and I’ve learned from both. I locked myself away and I let myself free. I chose the mind; I chose the heart; I settled; I dreamed; I reached; I persisted; I stopped; I kept going; I fell; I got up; I died inside; I came back to life.

I am absolutely certain there isn’t a perfect way, there isn’t a perfect balance, there isn’t a perfect choice, as to everything there are odds, and more often than we think, odds play against us. I am absolutely certain that for things to feel right, they must feel wrong; to know our calling, we must lose connection; to find ourselves, we must get lost; to thrive, we must fail.

So, dear friends, keep your guards up, then let them down; let your heart breathe, then protect it with your walls; build, and then tear apart; armor yourselves, then build bridges and cross.

Life is a series of trial and error until we land in that beautiful, incomplete, imperfect chaos that suits our walls, our bridges, our hearts, our minds, our souls, our beliefs, our disbeliefs. That chaos where we find the biggest order and peace. That chaos we won’t let go of until we take our last breath.



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