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April 24, 2021

How Breaking my Own Heart set me Free from Illusion.

 

 

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I used to try so hard to figure it all out.

I was desperate to know why, what, who, when. Googling, reading, researching, asking mentors why became a regular occurrence.

Of course, I was left with no answers.

I was left feeling more lost than before because I was so stuck on the belief that the answers were outside myself.

I refused to look within.

Why?

Because my body was not a safe space.

My body was not to be trusted.

My own intuition became a stranger I could not believe.

This inability to look within was rooted in fear. I feared my body would betray me because I was led to believe that anytime my body did not fit the “correct” mold, it was a betrayal.

It was a loss of control.

My body continued to change without my approval, and slowly, my trust faded as I was pulled further away from my intuition—my innate wisdom.

When the fear became debilitating, I had no choice but to make radical changes—including leaving the love of my life in hopes to become my own love of my life.

My body was begging me to listen. My heart longed for me to hold her, to break her open, look inside, and learn how to mend her.

And so I did.

I broke my heart by saying goodbye to my lover and I held my body close.

I said, “Do you trust me?”

She replied, “I will.”

I vowed at that moment I would cultivate her trust. Trust is what would save me. Trust is what would guide me. Trust is what would give me the answers I so desired.

And so I began my journey of becoming my own love. Love was the answer—love is always the answer.

I sat in silence, I looked inside, and I cried. For months, I had tears streaming down my cheeks. There was so much pain rotting in my body that needed to be released. So many experiences that needed to leave my body in order to trust her—experiences that needed to be relived in order to let go.

And so I did.

And let me tell you, it hurt. It wasn’t easy, but it freed me.

It freed me from the need to know it all, from the obsessive compulsion to ask why, and from the belief that my answers were outside myself.

I was freed because I finally decided to surrender. I finally decided to open my heart and receive instead of pry.

I finally chose love for myself.

I finally chose to trust who I am.

I came back to my body and she said, “Where have you been?”

I replied, “Trapped in illusion.”

I was trapped in the illusion that we must seek what we already know from external sources.

The illusion that our bodies shift in betrayal, rather than a sign of growth—or even a cry for help.

The illusion that we are not to be trusted.

The illusion that we need to be fixed.

The illusion that we are unlovable.

How beautiful to know, though, it’s all just an illusion.

Our bodies are a safe space.

Our bodies are always speaking to us.

Are you finally ready to listen?

 

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