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On one random day in my 35th year, I woke up to the culmination of what my life had become.
Hitting me all at once, I realized I was a divorced single mom of two, pretty much unemployed, recovering from depression, and healing my heart after the loss of three friends by suicide.
It’s not like I didn’t know all those things actually happened, but the weight came upon me all at once. Like an elephant standing on my chest, I couldn’t breathe, move, think, or act.
Frozen in fear, like Hans Solo from “Star Wars” in carbonite, I was paralyzed. I had no idea what was next or where I was going with my life.
New questions began to surface.
Who am I now? Who am I going to choose to become?
Through the eyes of our culture, I was looking in the mirror at one pathetic human. Being angry, drinking white wine, and burying my head underneath my down comforter was no longer an option. I knew I could not accept that as my future—nor did my children deserve a mom like that, so the work began anew.
I had to redefine my narrative about myself.
Now, I ask you to join my inquiry, “Who are we becoming?”
Who are we Becoming?
It’s a difficult question to wrestle with since many of us gauge our states of being on the achievement of our goals.
The typical formula is:
Do + Have = Be
So, for example, I believed that once I got divorced, I would have my freedom—and then I would be happy living a life I love. I followed that formula. It did not work according to plan.
Honestly though, can our state of being dependent on a goal or outcome?
No, it’s simply the quality of our present experience—our right now, not into the future or back in the past, but here in this moment.
Think about it. That’s good news.
No matter what may have come before or what we are worried about happening or not happening in the future, we get to choose again and again how we want to be now. We may choose how we want to feel. When we declare our state of being first, we put the power of how we feel and show up in the world under our own domain.
Let’s turn that formula on its head:
Be + Do = Have
I am happy and content. I live each day with joy and purpose and therefore, I have a fulfilling life on my terms.
This is an important distinction. We must adjust our states of being first, which leads us to feel empowered to act in such a manner that will ultimately deliver what we long for the most.
Want more love? We cannot wait until we find the right person to feel loved.
We must be love first and do all that is required to honor and respect ourselves. Then, another will naturally desire to be in a relationship with us.
Be deeply in love with yourself. Be the love you long for. If we are The One, only more love will follow.
One of my favorite teachers, Dr. Joe Dispenza, has brilliant insights in his book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One. I love this question he poses:
“Can you accept the notion that once you change your internal state, you don’t need the external world to provide you with a reason to feel joy, gratitude, appreciation, or any other elevated emotion?”
Let’s ask ourselves right now, what do we not have in our lives and why do we think it’s missing?
Then, try working backward using the new formula: Be + Do = Have.
What way of being do I desire? What internal state do I need to embody, to create the environment where I can then embrace what I want into my life?
This is the challenging, beautiful work of becoming.
Once I belonged to myself, I was home.
Let’s enjoy the practice of embodying and embracing more of ourselves into our lives and welcoming more of what our hearts long for most.
Once we belong to ourselves, everything else will flow.