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May 17, 2021

Ending My Own Suffering

Photo by Vlada Karpovich on Pexels.

I want you to know I’m happy.  I am happy living my life without you. I wake up each day, slowly roll out of my bed, and enjoy the view of life I now have alone.  I used to be so afraid of living without you, that I held on too tight. I have been so unhappy for such a long time that feeling happy is almost unnatural. I have spent the last year of my life with sleepless nights, home alone waiting for a call that never came, and countless hours begging you back, calling, texting, and agreeing to meet you even when I know you would leave me feeling slighted and foolish. I have worn out my friends and family with my love triangle saga. Friends have walked away from me because I have been so wrapped up in you and what you’re doing that it’s too hard for them to see me hurting so much that it is easier for them to let me go, the way I wish you did. I have been so busy banging my head against your wall, I was unable to see the options life was giving me. I did not realize until now that I was the one allowing you to treat me this way. All along it was up to me to stop you from hurting me. Today, I know better, and I have finally put an end to my suffering

When you moved on to someone else it nearly killed me. Hearing you were still trying to decide between me and her, at first made me happy because I was still in the running for your heart, attention and love. As the days, weeks, and months went by, I slowly started to see what this competition actually meant. Winning you had nothing to do with love, affection, or attention. You are selfish and you are playing with 2 lives for your pleasure. I finally stopped seeing myself for how you saw me, a pawn in your game of pleasure, and I began looking at myself for who I really am. You don’t deserve me. You actually never did. I should have collected my self respect a year ago and I should have walked away when you pitted 2 women who you don’t deserve, against each other. She may have won the prize, but what did she win? A weak man with no backbone.  In the grand scheme of things, I won. I won my freedom and the ability to find a strong, secure, loving, man who will move mountains for me.

Looking back I would not change a moment of the past year. If not for my hurt, pain, and suffering, I would still be that same weak, pathetic woman who had no self respect. I want to thank you for coming into my life, destroying me, and then showing me what love doesn’t look like. As the end of this love triangle comes to a screeching halt, we are all getting what we deserve. She deserves a life with you. You deserve a life without me. And I deserve a life full of happiness and freedom.

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