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June 27, 2021

How Traumatised Children become Traumatised Adults.

 

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To begin healing our emotional wounds, we must begin to speak our truth.

I have learned that the only way to heal trauma is through it.

We put enormous effort into hiding our vulnerability, but it’s our vulnerability that truly heals. When we feel safe enough to expose our shadows, that’s when we become free. True healing occurs when we begin to dismantle the wall that separates us from real, authentic, fearless love.

I have always been a spiritual person. Someone who seeks to understand myself and how I can help others in the world around me. Also, I am someone who believes in the idea of a consciousness greater than my own.

In my own spiritual awakening, I began working to take responsibility for my life, which meant examining all the wounding and trauma I had experienced as a child and as an adult. The most beautiful part of spiritual awakening is that as we begin to heal, we begin to watch the people around us heal too. Vulnerability is a gift we give others because it allows them to see us for who we really are—our true, authentic self.

In the process of healing and self-discovery, I’m learning who I actually am and aligning with what I was put here to do: serve others.

I intend to create a light that shines bright enough to help, encourage, and inspire others out of their own darkness. I will be sharing my scars and the things I have learned, in my quest to be the light for others who have been or are headed to the same rocks I hit.

“When you get it, reach back, pull someone else up. Each one, teach one.” ~ Denzel Washington

Triggers usually point to unhealed wounds. By doing the shadow work, we shed light on the darkest parts of our lives and become the light instead of pretending.

In my life, I have struggled with processing and communicating my emotions. I have sabotaged my relationship more times than I can count. I have also made decisions that do not align with my moral compass. And I have easily gotten offended when someone has hurt my ego.

My true healing began one year into my sobriety from alcohol; I was ready to face those parts of myself I put away in a box.

In the past, I have repeatedly told myself that I was okay and that what I went through back then didn’t affect me anymore (my parents’ divorce). But the truth is, my past was still hurting me because I never healed from it.

I wasn’t always a wounded child. I wasn’t always emotionally unavailable, and I didn’t always dismiss how I felt. When I was a little girl, I prayed to God every night. I lived by God’s moral code. I was also writing daily in my diary about how I was feeling throughout the day. I freely expressed myself, and I was full of light, laughter, and love. I was fearless. Everything in my life appeared perfect.

Then, in an instant, it all changed. At the age of 13, my life began revolving around one event: my parents’ divorce. The kind of divorce that rips apart an entire family. From that moment on, I began living in survival mode. My parents’ divorce had caused me to question everything I knew about love, life, and family. I now feared love and brought this fear into all my relationships. That fear had kept me from being emotionally available to others throughout my life.

By doing the shadow work, I learned I was emotionally stunned from the age of 13 to the age of 35. At the age of 35, I finally surrendered; I was ready to heal. I was ready to release the control I thought I had, and I was ready to let go of my fears. It had taken sobriety, refinding God, and realigning with the universe.

Like magic, I had finally figured out how to process my emotions. In the past, my toxic behaviors were the root of my problems in my relationships. Since I have done the shadow work, I have healed my inner child, and my 12-year relationship has been reaping the rewards. The power of healing: I successfully dismantled the wall that separated me from real, authentic, fearless love. 

Why do our parents divorce affect us and what happens when we don’t resolve childhood wounds?

Traumatised children become traumatised adults.

When a child goes through a traumatic event like a parents’ divorce, she/he can either fight/flight or freeze. As a result, the body will shut down, it will become numb, and it won’t be able to feel any emotion. If emotions remain unprocessed, the child will remain in that frozen state until the trauma is resolved.

If the trauma remains unresolved, the child becomes an adult living in chaos. The wounds we experience as a child shape our entire life. Each inner child will be the same age and developmental stage that they were at the time the trauma occurred. Whatever patterns or beliefs the child formed at that time will continue to play out as an adult—until the trauma is resolved.

Doing the Shadow Work

It’s really important to self-reflect, to figure out what our triggers are, and ask ourselves, “When I think back to my childhood, what am I still upset about? What is still causing me pain?”

Asking ourselves questions like these will help us find those unhealed wounds.

Another way I learned to notice if there is unhealed trauma is recognizing our triggers, reactions, and behaviors, like: people pleasing, the need for external validation, never prioritizing ourselves, always trying to fix others, problematic communication skills, attracting unhealthy relationships, excessive self-blame, exhibiting toxic behaviors, and so on.

The thing is, every experience and relationship in our life acts as a mirror to us. If we have healing to do, then we attract relationships and situations that will mirror that unhealed wound to us.

“Sometimes to reach the next level in our lives, we must dig deeper. Often, we need to forgive ourselves. We still need to attend to wounds we thought were previously healed. You must show compassion to that inner child who experienced trauma. Replace negative thoughts with thoughts of love and compassion. That’s how we continue to grow and evolve. Our healing does not happen when we hide in the darkness. We must bring our issues into the light. It is a process we all go through. We must let go of the past and embrace our future. The road to recovery is a journey, not a destination.” ~ Gabby Bernstein

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