Men in heterosexual relationships with women don’t get the kind/frequency of sex they want because they confuse seeking approval with attunement.
Men often don’t have role models who teach them how to attune to their women.
They don’t know how to stay present in the body and nervous system while noticing shifts in a woman’s tone, body language, breathing, and emotional flavor. They’re not responding with their heart/cock-directed energy accordingly.
Instead, men learn from an early age that if they are “good boys,” they subsequently get love, nurturing, and approval—if they are nice. They then grow up thinking and believing that this is actually how they demonstrate the care that lives and breathes inside them.
Men: your woman knows you love and care about her. What she often can’t articulate is that she can’t feel you when you are lost in approval-seeking because a part of you is not present.
She wants to feel you deeply rooted, solidly trusting in yourself, so much so that you don’t need her (or anyone’s) approval.
Men might learn to track when they’re approval-seeking. Still, without integrating the deeper parts that they lost as a boy—dealing with unresolved childhood wounding—their attempts to address approval-seeking will only touch the surface. The core issues will continue to play out in the same or other ways.
You will continue to turn off your partner with unconscious behavior that is detrimental to the erotic tension you want to build in your relationship to have a robust sex life.
One way this plays out differently is that instead of looking for “mommy” to affirm they’re a good boy, so they feel safe, they rebel. Men take on a kind of armored and false warriorship that is cut off from their care because they don’t know how to show care without approval-seeking.
You haven’t learned attunement and don’t know how to. You get caught trying to prove you’re worthy and feel so ashamed and at a loss that you turn approval-seeking into the opposite and become a tyrant and a dictator.
This sucks for everyone. Ouch.
This touches on a super-sensitive spot in a man’s psyche. Because of shame, the fear of being inadequate, and the attempt to avoid feeling like a failure, men don’t commit to the personal development work required to change this pattern at its core.
It’s one of the most common complaints that women have about their men.
Your woman doesn’t want you to need her approval to be an authority over you. She wants to create with you.
She also doesn’t want to submit to a heartless, avoidant tyrant (unless, of course, you’re role-playing).
For men, getting vulnerable this way may seem like the antithesis to creating the sex life they want. But if this issue is alive in the relationship, it’s a huge obstacle in front of the hot and frequent sex they want.
The courage to be you in front of her will feel new, vulnerable, and scary. Don’t confuse this with weakness, and don’t avoid it.
She wants to feel you—the real you, the whole you.