Whether you’re just starting your parenting journey, struggling with the torturous teen years, or navigating your rollercoaster relationship with adult children, parenting sometimes feels like you’re in the midst of a zombie apocalypse.  As a parent coach, I often hear parents express their guilt feeling they failed “Parenting 101” or being frustrated by the constant emotional conflicts.  The following are the top three parenting challenges that seem impossible to overcome.  Trust me, there is hope and all it takes is changing your perception and the story you’re telling yourself about your child.

(1) Learn how to parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had.  How many times do you find yourself screaming, “This isn’t what I signed up for!” or “Is this what being a parent is supposed to be?”  The key to reducing your frustration and prevent you from disowning your child is to let go and just accept your child’s annoying behavior, irritating habits, and disrespectful actions without judgment. When you stop fighting against your child’s defiance, a different kind of love can grow.  Genuine acceptance is the most generous gift a parent can give their child.  Power struggles will end once a child feels heard, understood, and not judged.  I’ve worked with hundreds of children over the past 27 years, and every child who causes conflict has expressed that they don’t feel understood and respected.  The old parenting style where kids are taught to obey and not express their opinions has created adults who resent their parents.  They often have difficulty expressing their feelings in relationships.  Being raised in an environment where you don’t feel safe to share your feelings or your problems often causes kids who lie to prevent from suffering harsh punishments.  I invite you to start listening more, lecturing less.  Give more hugs, fewer consequences.  When parents focus on their children’s gifts and learn their primary love language, conflicts will cease.  Does your child feel loved with gifts?  Words of affirmation?  Quality time?  Acts of service? Physical touch?  If we love our children the way they feel loved and accept them completely with their flaws and annoying personality traits, our parenting journey will be more peaceful, less stressful.

(2) Learn to allow your child to accept the pain of natural consequences.  How will our children learn if we prevent them from making mistakes or scold them for making unwise decisions?  Powerful lessons are taught when we allow natural consequences to take place.  If they get up late, they’re tardy.  No lectures are necessary.  If they forget their lunch money, they’re unable to eat lunch.  If they forget their water bottle, they’ll be thirsty.  I’ve been guilty of rescuing my daughters (who are now 19 and 25 years old) to prevent them from suffering.  Do you rush in to help with a last-minute deadline?  I’ve coached moms who end up doing their child’s homework fearing failure if the assignment isn’t done correctly. There is a danger involved in always protecting your child from feeling disappointment or shame.  When you find yourself lecturing or sharing your idea of a valuable life lesson, this is what your child hears: “You think I’m a failure.  I guess I’m incompetent.  You don’t love me.”  My daughters remind me that my words of wisdom often sound like lectures that make them feel unworthy, misunderstood, and unloved.  I invite you to practice empathy instead.  Try laying off the pressure, skip the advice, and learn to listen.  Saying “Your grade doesn’t define your worth.”  Help your child grasp a healthier perspective by not comparing their failure to other classmates who earned a higher grade.  What’s important during these challenging moments where parents and children feel inadequate, is to remember that we learn a lot about ourselves experiencing failure.  Do we take it personally?  Do we strive to do better the next time?  Do we build resilience knowing that failing doesn’t mean we are failures?  After reading countless books on how to embrace the gift of failure, I’m realizing that we need to teach our children not to fear failure, but to learn from it.  Was it from performance anxiety?  Lack of motivation?  Poor planning?  No matter what struggles your child is suffering from, learn to let go and trust in their journey.  Children who feel that their parents trust in them have a higher chance of flourishing and not allowing their failures to hold them back from moving forward.

(3) Learn how to deep breathe in the midst of explosive conflicts.  Every parent cringes when they hear hateful words:  “I hate you! You never understand!  I wish I had a different mom/dad!”  When kids are frustrated, they often lack the emotional skills to handle conflict.  Their brains aren’t fully developed and they haven’t gathered the life experience that adults possess.  The most important question is to ask yourself is “What does my child need right now?”  Pause, deep breathe then respond after thinking about your child’s needs.  Does he feel that life is unfair?  Does he feel upset that he got caught in a lie or breaking a rule?  I invite you to practice empathy and empower them.  Practice deep breathing and introduce the power of inhaling (4 counts), holding (4 counts), and exhaling (4 counts) before engaging with an angered child.

Phrases like:

“I see you’re really upset.”  “It’s okay to be angry.” “I wonder if you need a (snack, hug, 15 minutes of playing a video game or going outside to run/bike/skateboard).”  “I’m going to wait in my room until you’re finished screaming.  Let me know when you’re ready to talk.”

Children who feel safe expressing their feelings and learning how to manage their anger develop into adults who understand how to navigate their emotional outbursts.  Teach your child to label their emotions, give them permission to explain why they’re angry, teach them the power of deep breathing, and be sure to engage in eye contact so they feel that what they are saying is important.  Parents who empower their children, practice empathy, and engage in deep breathing will experience reduced conflict, increased contentment, and enjoy interacting with their children.

Try at least one of these tips and you might be surprised at how the atmosphere in your home magically improves!