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September 5, 2021

A Letter to the Woman I Used to Be.

 

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With the promise of a brand-new connection and the breakdown of your marriage, you find yourself at a crossroads. 

Wondering whether to say goodbye to the life you had made, a life that left you isolated—starving for true companionship and connection. Because to stay would deny who you are and you’d continue a life that demands compliance, obedience, and loneliness.

Or whether you should let go and move toward a life of authenticity, heart-opening, and possibility. Toward the unknown, uncertain, and scary future with no promise of anything but a leap into the darkness. 

The world is a fascinating and brand-new place as you are barely emerging from your cocoon. There is so much you don’t know about yourself and the world. I see you now and I wish I could reach through time and show you what I know is coming. Would you follow your heart if you knew what was awaiting you? How would you choose if you could see into your own future? 

What would I tell you of the adventure you were about to embark on? How would I warn you of the danger, the terrifying fall into a madness of heaven and hell, the addictive highs and the life-altering lows, the repeated cycle of soul-crushing heartbreak, the unwanted lies, and the prison of silence and betrayal that would force you back into a closet you longed to escape from?

And yet, how could I convey to you the ethereal connection, the tangible magic of energetic bonding, from tantric bliss to telepathic attachment and everything in-between? This otherworldly love will demand so much of your soul as you merge into the other and experience transcendence in a way you have only ever read about.

You will taste eternity as you come together on satin bed sheets and in quiet hotel rooms, while you communicate words through your minds, and sing, laugh, and play together in a fantasy world you could have never imagined. The adventures you have together will write new poetry on your heart and every place will be brand-new. You will find the mirror of your soul, and it will feel like coming home. The connection you long and starve for now will be present and overflowing, and every word you write will come pouring forth from your soul as if the locked words were opened by the key from the heart of your lover. 

The world awaiting you will write more stories inside you than you could ever create on your own. The story you create with your lover will send you both to places you will remember long after you’ve left. The bonds of deep friendship, empathy, and caring will mix with passion, desire, and fireworks. It will be a love that accepts no boundaries and conditions, and ignores all rules and expectations. It will break you both open and soften the hard parts of your heart, while strengthening your weaknesses.  

There will be a steep cost for this heart-opening love. It will bring you to your knees more than any sorrow. It will rip open and expose your soul, and leave you in pieces more nights than it will fill you. Wanting and loneliness will be familiar companions. Heartbreak will be the glue that keeps your lover tied to you in a cycle of intermittent chaos and devastating lows. Your connection will be so fragile that one wrong word could break it, yet so solid that one last touch would keep you tethered in a magnetic bond.

Every belief will be turned upside down, and the craving and desire for the hell that brings you to eternal ecstasy will become your undoing. The devastation of abandonment will kill a part of your soul that will never be recovered. You will lose your friends, family, and the people you care about most in the world. You will die, and every morning will feel like a death all over again as you wake to the constant burning emptiness in your heart. You will vow to never love again. You will lock your words back into the safety of your mind. You will build a wall and shut yourself off from anyone that could love you again. 

But, you will be resurrected.

You will find peace in the middle of the storm as you learn how to save yourself. You will discover breath, meditation, and embodiment to still your mind. You will seek water and the ocean, retreating often to a quiet place inside yourself; reading and exploring and discovering how you want to be.

You will look at the world with new eyes, explore and discover new thoughts and ideas. You will dive deep into the spirituality of who you are and what you have long forgotten. You will examine the gifts you have and dissect them—finding ways to use them as a force for healing—and embrace the qualities that allow you to love so deeply.

You will learn to connect with others who use words to heal, with poetry and prose. You will begin to bleed your sorrow and anger onto the pages again. You will discover new ways of being and existing in the world. You will find new mentors and friends.

You will find healing. The lessons of this love will teach you and you’ll begin to embrace connection once again. You will see how every person on your path led you to where you are. You will examine your own feelings, beliefs, and behaviors. You will take responsibility for your actions and how you have hurt others.

You will have more empathy for those who have wronged you. You will forgive them (and you will forgive yourself). You will see how the love you shared led you to your true calling: connection. You will be able to use your gifts to help others find their own healing, discover their own gifts, and find authentic connection.

The choices you make while you face this moment determine the future you will embark on. Who will you become if you stay in the life already chosen for you? I do not know the answer to that question. I chose the path of the unknown, with the danger of uncertainty. I would choose it again, for now I know that this is how to help others accept vulnerability and to reconnect with the self. 

This unexpected love, a pivotal life teacher, will guide you toward the path of becoming who you are meant to be. You will learn that we are wired for the kind of connection that cracks open our soul and forces us to question everything we know or believe about ourselves. 

You will love and be loved as you have never experienced before. Your body, mind, and soul will be transformed. You will never be the same again—and you will be truly free. 

~

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