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September 23, 2021

How finding BDSM Healed Me.

 

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It seems a bit far-fetched, I know.

Bondage, dominance, sadism, masochism—and I’m a rape victim.

You’d think one was equal to the other, but you think wrong, and I’ll tell you why.

Unable to sleep after the attack, books became a haven. On the shelf, I found a novel on BDSM, dominance, and submission.

A relationship based on consent? What?!

How profound. After all these years spent chasing, molding ourselves to be acceptable, finding or ignoring flaws, settling, being cheated on, abused, and taken advantage of, and left without explanation.

A Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship is as much give as it is take. Trust and consent are the absolute start and end of the coupling. The Dominant is bound by their sub’s willingness to offer oneself into service. They are gifted the power to control. Grateful, they then use this power to build the submissive up. Nothing is more pleasing than watching one’s sub grow and evolve into everything one can possibly be—and it is no mean feat. The amount of energy it takes to make decisions for another, offering scenes of play to help one’s sub to grow—all whilst keeping them safe—is huge.

The misconception is that D/s relationships are abusive and involve only pain. It is simply not true. Each relationship is different. They evolve organically and grow with the partners.

Finding one’s Master or Mistress is key. Find the person who hasn’t noticed your flaws because they aren’t applicable. The person who loves you for your mind and your beautiful heart, but also lusts after your body. The person you gel with, who shares your interests, wants the same things, has the same ideals, and follows a faith the same or similar to yours.

A true Master or Mistress is compassionate. They are an active listener, have control of the self (not the same as self-control), and are kind and loving—and all of their actions come from a loving, generous place that is driven to serve. Yes, Dominants live in service equal to their subs. It is a 50/50 ratio. Both enjoy pleasing the other, building their lover up, and living the lifestyle.

When you find this person, you will find:

>> A friend who communicates with you regularly.

>> Acceptance just as you are.

>> Strength and encouragement to reach your potential and surpass it.

>> You will be taught a standard of living—a far higher standard.

>> Manners are of great importance and so is the ability to hold oneself in conversation with all walks of life.

>> Your Master/Mistress will always be there as a friend, confidante, wise council, and punisher of poor behavior.

>> It is unacceptable to put oneself in harm’s way and you will be held accountable for it, including a poor diet, a lack of
exercise, risk-taking, alcohol or drug abuse, and relationships with abusive people. Self-depreciation is not allowed.

>> You will feel safe at all times as consent is required before play. Respect is of great importance, and you will find that anything and everything that may involve you will be discussed openly.

>> You will be protected and feel free. Your Master/Mistress will take responsibility for your needs and from that, you will be able to let go. You won’t even have to think.

>> Your best interests are their best interests.

>> You will learn about yourself.

>> You feel free.

When you find the freedom to relax and be yourself with your partner, you will find that there are things that you enjoy, that you never in your wildest dreams would ever consider. Sharing this journey of exploration with your lover will be healing, empowering, enlightening, and orgasmic.

Knowing that the special man in my life is strong, aware, kind, loving, accepting of all of me, wise, open to experience, and that he communicates freely has been the salve to my soul wounds.

This relationship creates a space that is safe to explore. If, at any time, I’m scared or don’t want to do something, I have a safety word. At the end of the day or night, it is there to hold me, soothe me, and comfort me. Being with him offers a sense of belonging and purpose.

I don’t worry about whether or not he’s happy or wants me—after all, he tells me if I’ve done wrong. I am confident that he always wants me because he is in love with the way I think, the way I serve him in love, and my beautiful soul. He loves my body, but it isn’t a huge factor for him.

It’s just me that he loves, as I am.

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