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*Warning: naughty language ahead!
All my life I’ve had a hard time sneezing in public (even in front of people I love).
I do this thing right before I’m about to sneeze where my eyes go all squinty, my nose is scrunched, and my mouth is wide-open for everyone (including myself) to look deep into my exposed, vulnerable soul.
Yes, that is how I feel. When I’m about to sneeze, I feel vulnerable. I feel a loss of control. And I not only feel like people are looking at me thinking:
“Is she okay?” “What is she doing with her face?” “Is she trying to sneeze?” “Does she need help?”
But I also, for some reason, feel like this half-second (that actually feels like 10 minutes) where I am desperately trying to release whatever is itching my damn nose is the time I need to question whether or not it’s safe for me to let go (instead of trusting my body’s ability to choose for me).
And then, not surprisingly, my insecurities coil around me like a snake and prevent my body from actually sneezing. It’s a mind-fuck.
I literally mind-fuck my body into not sneezing and it downright sucks because I want to sneeze; I want to feel that orgasmic release.
But I can’t. I won’t allow it. I choose not to allow it, not only because I can’t relax enough to let go, but because, deep down, I don’t feel safe.
I don’t feel safe enough to let go.
And I genuinely wish I could tell you exactly why I don’t feel safe (besides the obvious fact that I am a woman who has experienced a lot of trauma from mentally unstable men), but I can speculate. And it probably has to do with childhood, societal conditioning that women must “control themselves” in all areas of their lives—their body size, their sexual desire, their strength, their masculinity.
But, what I know is this:
This inability to feel safe enough to let go of control affects many areas of our lives—it’s not just the sneezing. I made that pretty obvious, no?
And, in fact, I had this realization that I don’t feel safe about a month ago while I was having sex with the man I’ve been seeing for the past three months. But first, let me get something straight: I do feel so safe with this man.
But it wasn’t until he slowly lowered his pursed lips down to my face and whispered in my ear, “You are safe,” that I realized I needed him to tell me that. “I’m safe?” I thought. “Oh. I’m safe.”
For most of my sex life, I had a real hard time having an orgasm without me being in control. This is actually not uncommon for women at all (mostly women who have sex with men, if I’m being real).
And, of course, I know it’s not just women who struggle with this—because so many of us are mind-fucking our way out of orgasming (and sneezing, apparently).
But, is it really that we are just “too in our heads” or could it be something deeper? Could it be our insecurities? Our inability to trust our partners? Our inability to trust ourselves? Our inability to feel safe?
Or could it be that we are putting too much pressure on ourselves to have an orgasm (as if the point of sex wasn’t to enjoy the pleasure along the way)?
For me, my problem wasn’t that I didn’t feel safe with my partners (I genuinely felt safe with most of them), but my biggest block was my inability to feel safe enough with myself to truly recognize the safety my partners were providing me.
I used to just assume none of my partners knew how to do it right. And I completely ignored the fact that maybe it was me who was preventing myself from having the best sex of my life. Because maybe it was me who wouldn’t give them a chance—because I was too afraid to believe that someone could do it for me.
Because I was too afraid to believe that it is safe to relax and let go of control.
And, of course, I recognize that “let it go” is bullshit advice—because we can’t just let go of lifetimes of trauma and conditioning—but we can dig deeper until we reach the root of why we can’t let go and then work toward healing that.
And if we can finally embody trust and recognize that we don’t always need to be in control and we actually are safe in our bodies and with our partners, then we better start preparing ourselves for the most divine, sacred, ecstatic, mind-blowing sex (and orgasms).