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Mr. P. and I are huge fans of phone sex.
During quarantine, we had to spend time apart (torture time, as you might relate to), so nothing better to maintain the sex flame burning than to use alternatives. Phone sex was one of them.
Before I met Mr. P., I had some sexual restraints (I still do, but I’m working on it). My inhibitions were stopping me from having mind-blowing sex, so I decided to let go of all that BS and be adventurous. It has been so fun and pleasurable.
I’ve had phone sex before, but I was “modest” in my words and way of expressing myself. At the time, I had never read or talked with anyone about it, so I was on my own. It was an exciting experience, but definitely, since I let go of my restraints, I’m becoming fluent in phone sex.
If you’re not comfortable with sex-talk and exposing yourself verbally to your lover, my suggestion is for you to watch some porn and read blog posts like this one. Try it on your own, maybe when masturbating, as you are aroused, so you will be merely saying aloud what you’re feeling, instead of rehearsing (which you can also do).
It’s important that you find your voice and style; you don’t want to sound like you have a screenplay in front of you, or are copying a porn star—if it’s your style, fantastic, but conquer your own voice, be natural about it.
The goal of phone sex is the same as any other form of sex: for everybody involved to experience pleasure.
My first experience with phone sex wasn’t great. I wanted to talk, but words got stuck in my throat. But touching myself and building up my arousal while feeling him getting excited on the other end of the line made things easier for me. Even so, I didn’t go as far as I wanted, out of shame.
Now, it helps me that Mr. P. isn’t an inhibited person about sex; he pushes me. And because I want to upgrade my dirty talk, phone sex helps me with that. Not having him with me allows me to be more daring. It has been a good way of practising.
If you or your lover aren’t (yet) comfortable with phone sex, my suggestion is for you to talk about it and agree on how the phone call will go. Maybe give it a trial face-to-face, while masturbating each other, for example.
Whatever you do, don’t force it; it takes the pleasure out of it. Try, push yourself a bit out of your comfort zone, but not to the uncomfortable point. There’s no rush; you have time to practise and see if it’s your thing or not.
Let me tell you how I upgraded my sex game and became Mr. P’s personal telephone sex-operator.
Here’s a step-by-step guide for a phone sex call (if you want your phone sex to happen spontaneously, when you are in a regular call, you can skip the first step):
1. Discuss how the call will happen.
Privacy will be fundamental, especially if you’re not comfortable about it yet. Being in the mood, aroused, and getting the grip of sex talk, and then suddenly getting interrupted by your friend who was downstairs knocking on your door, is not great. Privacy is a must.
If you are both new to it, when you talk to schedule it, also discuss how you’d like to do it. Discuss, for example, any words you don’t like. You should discuss anything that can be a mood killer; boundaries are always to be respected (without judgment.)
2. Before the call, get into the mood.
This is not a must-do; you can start a conversation and escalate it to a sex call. But if you know, in advance, you’re going to have a sex call (how hot is that?!), start it already in a sexy mood, even if you start by asking, “How was your day?”
To get into a sex mood, either masturbate (don’t get too excited; it will be only a warm-up), watch porn, read erotica, or replay in your mind a particularly sexy memory you have with your lover.
When you guys start talking, your voice will show how horny you already are, and that will be a delicious trigger for your lover.
If it makes you comfortable, and if it will help you to let go of inhibitions, create a sensual environment, like dim light or candles, or wear sexy lingerie.
Also, if you have them and intend to use them, have your sex toys within reach. It will make your lover insane, hearing you describe how you’re using them, maybe listening to the vibration of the toy (a noisy magic wand comes into my mind).
To summarize: before the call, ensure you have privacy, feel sexy in your skin, put yourself in the mood for sex, and have everything you need for it.
3. Start the phone sex call.
It’s up to you if you want to have an ice-breaker or jump straight to the action.
I love both versions. Sometimes Mr. P. and I are on the phone and we “suddenly” start masturbating and sharing it with each other; other times, if one of us is horny and knows that the other is free and has privacy, we call and have a sexy phone call.
You can start your call by describing what you’re wearing or what you did before. You can also tell your lover what you’d like them to do to you if you were together.
Becoming more aroused, you will perhaps adjust your position—tell your lover that. And describe it, in detail!
Your voice (and its tone and breathing) is the only clue your lover has from you. Phone sex is descriptive; you must guide your lover and make them visualise you. This doesn’t mean that you must be always talking, at all. Your breathing and moans are exciting.
You can masturbate and hear your lover masturbate on the other side of the line, and drop a sexy word or command once in a while. Things like “I’m so horny,” “I’d love you be here,” “Tell me how hard you are.”
4. Upgrade your sex talking.
Once you both are completely in the mood, masturbating and aroused—if it feels right for both—start to notch your sex talk up a bit.
Be more daring in your words, describe in detail how you are touching your body. Tell your lover that you’re inserting one or two fingers inside you, that you’re pinching your nipple—making him feel and visualise your excitement.
You can also ask your lover what they want you to do, for example, “Do you want me to take my panties off?” or, “Do you want me to finger myself, or should I use the vibrator?”
You can also use scenes of your sexual encounters as a teaser, like, “I loved how yesterday you fucked me from behind, hard, pulling my hair.” (Giving you the line I used with Mr. P. earlier—thought it was a good example.)
5. Orgasm (or not).
Orgasm shouldn’t be the goal of any sexual encounter. It’s a great way to end sex (or a round of sex), but it doesn’t have to happen all the time. Pleasure is the goal.
Women and men will orgasm with different triggers and timings. As in physical sex, it’s up to you and your lover in the phone call to come or not, and how you’re going to manage it.
When and if one of you reach orgasm, keep pushing the other, and don’t stop, unless one of you says so.
When you both decide to end the sexual “encounter,” don’t hang up immediately. Aftercare is always a must-do with sex.
There is no rule when to hang up the phone, of course; it’s up to you to decide when. You might want to end it when your breathing has de-escalated, or you might want to talk a bit after. Either way, it’s important to end the call with the guarantee that you both are happy with it.
Give the sex call the ending you wish—and it deserves—either with humour, a romantic declaration, or a reminder of the next day encounter.
You can also send a text a bit later, like a closure. Earlier, after our sex call, I texted Mr. P. saying, “I loved it! And thank you for the inspiration, now I’m going to write about it!” He texted me back with laughs; he’s loving being the test subject of my sex writing.
I hope this step-by-step will help you upgrade—or start on—your phone sex game. It’s fun and exciting. Give it a try, and then practice for a bit; the first times can be out of our comfort zone, but it’s worth the try.
As in all things, it will become easier. And more pleasurable.
Find your voice, find your ground of comfort. Whether it is with dirty talk or romantic words, it’s great! There is no such thing as right or wrong in sex. There’s only what you and your partner(s) want and enjoy.
Book a phone sex call now or surprise your lover. Be bold, be exciting, and have all the pleasure you deserve.