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September 30, 2021

Today I Read about the Man who Abused Me. {Poem}

In the work I’ve done with clients over the last 15 years, I’ve heard about horrendous traumas.

I know firsthand it is an effort to do the work to process these, but it is so worth it. It means freedom, and the ability and permission for us to live life from an empowered instead of a disempowered space.

No matter how much work we’ve done, we will sometimes feel triggered—but it won’t take over us, or pull us down as deeply as it once did.

Here is a poem I wrote after finding out my abuser had passed:

I read about the man who abused me today—

that he has passed last year.

I felt so many emotions all at once—

closure, discomfort, and surprisingly a tear.

I’ve worked so hard over decades

on healing from this pain,

on coming to terms with the past,

not letting the fear and hurt reign.

 

I read he endured many losses of his own,

loved ones who seemed too young to die.

I know he caused me hurt,

but hearing of his loss did make me cry.

Abuse rarely originates out of the blue;

I know for a fact my abuser was abused.

It does not excuse his actions,

but an unhealed person tends to continue to bruise.

 

So many emotions came rushing back;

how I had lost some of my childhood very young,

how it affected some of my male relationships,

all of those emotions deeply stung.

As a healing practitioner, I know you need to make peace

with the past and what was before.

Seeing his face again, though many years older

brought back an old wound which did make me feel sore.

 

I took some time to comfort myself,

to imagine hugging that younger version of me,

telling her it was okay and would get better,

that she would heal and someday feel free.

I am grateful for the work I put in,

that I no longer hold anger in my heart.

I know hatred only holds ourselves back,

never allowing our life to truly start.

 

I read about the man who abused me today,

a past I long put behind me showed up as a reminder

to not hold hate or anger in our hearts,

but to show up in love, with compassion and kinder.

~
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