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September 2, 2021

I’m a Heartless B*tch: Breaking Down the Walls Around our Fragile Hearts.

 

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*Warning: well-deserved cursing ahead!

The music beats so sweetly that my feet find the dance floor before I’ve even finished my first drink. 

Normally I need at least two drinks to have the courage to make a fool of myself. But tonight is different. 

It’s the right song. It’s perfect weather. It’s the best company.

It doesn’t take long before some stranger is by my side, swaying his arms and moving his hips to get my attention.

I won’t even look at him. I can’t be bothered. I can never be bothered. I’m one of those girls—the one who is not looking for anyone. I am only here to have a good time.

He leans over and whispers in my ear, “Hey, so you want to dance or what?”

I politely smile. “No thanks.”

He won’t give up. “Let me buy you a drink then.”

“Nope, I’m good.” I continue dancing while turning my body away from his.

He takes that as an invitation to slide on up behind me.

Oh, dear Christ.

I move away quickly.

“Hey, dance with me.” He gives his best puppy dog eyes.

“Nope.”

His pride must be hurt because he quickly responds. “Heartless bitch.”

Um…

Have I worked so hard on myself in the past few years that I mistakenly built a wall around my heart? Am I a heartless bitch?

Honestly, he might be right. Not that I would let some creepy guy on the dance floor grope me. But he might have a point about me being heartless. I don’t know if I am capable of loving someone. Not just loving someone but, more specifically, letting someone love me.

Surviving a broken heart was one thing, but I did such a good job at healing that I accidentally closed off my heart from ever being hurt again. I became heartless.

Having our hearts on lockdown is the complete opposite of healing a broken heart. All we are doing is forbidding love to enter. That is not healing; it’s protecting ourselves. Locking down our hearts just may be hurting us more. By not letting love in, we are missing opportunities to love. 

Is that not why we are here, to love? If we are not loving and being loved, what the hell are we doing here?

Healing is a process. We do the work. We put in the time. We get stronger. Bam. We are healed. Now what? It doesn’t mean we have to keep a wall around our newly healed hearts. We can heal our broken hearts and learn to have our hearts open for the possibility of love.

If we have mistakenly built a wall around our delicate hearts, now we need to work on opening our hearts to love again.

Let go of the past. We can’t move forward if we keep looking behind. The past is something that no longer exists in our present. The only way to move forward is to be present and to look ahead.

Yes, we have been hurt. Hell, we may even get hurt again. But it doesn’t mean that we will always get hurt again. We are taking a chance on love. There are risks with taking chances on everything in life. Some risks are worth taking.

But we have to remember that all those past relationships taught us what we want, what we are willing to accept, and what to be careful of going into our next relationship. It is preparing us for the right relationship. That past had a reason and purpose.

The right relationship is worth breaking down the walls and loving again.

We might not want to, but we need to forgive everyone who has hurt us. Forgiving doesn’t mean letting them back into our lives. It means letting the hurt out of our hearts so we can make room for what is about to come.

The longer we hold on to the hurt, the harder it is to let in someone new. We only hurt ourselves if we don’t open our hearts to the possibility of loving and being loved again one day.

Letting go and forgiveness will break down those walls and prepare us for love again.

I don’t have any expectations when it comes to love. As much as we need core concepts on what we are willing to accept, we shouldn’t expect things to happen in a certain way. Love is funny at times and comes in different shapes and sizes. If we take out all expectations when it comes to love, our hearts are wide open for the unexpected and unimaginable type of love we can only dream of.

No one can compete with the expectations we set in our own hearts. We are making it impossible for someone to come along or even offer something unique about themselves to the relationship. A unique quality that we may not have considered.

Dropping expectations can open our hearts even wider to an unimaginable type of love.

Remember to love ourselves throughout the process. Opening our hearts doesn’t mean forgetting the love we feel for ourselves. It is loving ourselves enough to let someone else in.

It’s giving ourselves a chance at love to match the love we already feel within. It’s sharing the love we have with another.

Loving ourselves will secure our hearts as the walls come tumbling down. It’s safe to let the walls down. The love we feel for ourselves will be all the protection we need.

Let’s be honest with ourselves. First, we need to be willing to admit that we set up a wall around our hearts. The sooner we can admit a wall exists, the faster we can begin to break it down. We can’t break down a wall that we haven’t admitted existed. 

See the wall. Feel the wall. Now break it the fuck down.

The love that is coming deserves an honest heart. It’s okay to admit we put the wall up. But be brave enough to break it down.

Trust the process. No one says this is going to be easy. It may be just as hard to let love in as it was to heal that broken heart. Trust there will be days that are harder than others. Accept that other days we will fall backward. But don’t give up. Trust that the process will be worth it in the end.

Accept the hard days and push forward. Forgive ourselves if we fall backward on other days. Trust that when those walls come down, it will be safe and secure.

Dare to be vulnerable. We should not let the potential of being hurt again stop us from actually opening ourselves up for what may come. Those who are willing to take the chance are the ones who will have the opportunity to love again.

It’s scary as fuck to open ourselves up fully and completely at a chance to love again. But it’s so worth it.

Give our hearts a chance to love again. Break down those walls and love again. It’s really worth it.

And it will take a lot of patience. It will take time to kickstart our hearts to beat again for the possibility of love. There is no rush here. But it will beat again. Love will find its way.

Love will come when the time is right. We are not searching for it. We will not push for it. The right kind of love will come when it’s time.

We can take down the wall, brick by brick. There is no rush. We can go at our own pace. Love will be waiting for us.

So yes, maybe I am a heartless bitch now. But I’m breaking down those goddamn walls to love again—one brick at a time.

We all deserve to love again. I’m taking a chance at love. Love is worth it.

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