October 23, 2021

When we’re Not Ready to Let Go of our Story.

 

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Recently I’ve faced some of my heaviest childhood pain and limiting beliefs. 

The details were not surprising, but to be confronted with just how they affect my daily life was the most searing confrontation.

When my therapist read the list of self-sabotage to me, I felt so much pain. I could feel each breath as if it were my last. I felt the weight on my lungs and grief swelled in my heart.

Being aware of childhood trauma is definitely helpful for personal growth, but unless we work with its web of thought, we may be carrying around the story for our entire lives. 

My limited belief is about my voice. 

I created my story years ago when I was just a tiny bud on a tree reaching for the light. I remember feeling free and playful and then all of a sudden, my world felt dark and unsafe. 

It was not okay to be outwardly expressive. There was no room for my voice in the world. 

I only did what any child would do in a situation like this. I went inward and created a story that my voice was not meaningful. I told myself to stay small and no one would be offended, challenged.

I can see how my limiting belief has kept me from making healthy choices when I was a teenager and beyond. I knew when I wanted something, but when the opportunity came, I would pass it on by saying, “I am not ready for that just yet.” When it was time to speak, I would close up and hand off the opportunity to someone more equipped to lead.

When we let our fears drive our decisions, we will watch our lives vicariously from a distance, like a spectator sport.

Our soul begs us to reach for the stars, but we can only look up into the abyss and dream with sleepy eyes of what could be.

We will admire those who seize the day and make excuses that we are just not made from that kind of fabric. 

I have always told myself that I am just fine being a wallflower. This is enough for me. Well, that was a lie to keep me safe from my own truth—my own potential.

When we formulate a deep story, it becomes embroidered into our personal framework. We embody limitations and look for ways to constantly prove our story to be true. 

We seek relationships that will minimize us. We seek jobs that will keep us from expansion and growth. We engage in behaviors that will reinforce our smallness.

This is the realm of the cozy, cocoon-like, comfort zone. It feels nice, however, at the end of the day, we feel uneasy and unfinished. There is a piece of us missing, and we search and search externally for something that completes us. 

Maybe we can find it in a relationship. Maybe our partner can show us who we are. By being loved, we put all that responsibility on someone else to complete us, and this attempt to find our worth through someone else’s validation always backfires. 

We finally realize that we cannot find what’s beneath and behind our trauma and darkness by seeking validation from the outside world. 

We must move through the darkness to find clarity and peace of mind. We must lean into the truth of our own pain to find what’s truly real.

When given the opportunity to release my story and unburden myself from the chains of unworthiness, I chose not to. 

I am unable to let go of my limiting beliefs.

As I inquired within, my heart raced and I had a physical reaction to the idea of letting go of that broken part of me.

Is it possible to just decide to let go of pain?

Can it work like that?

Can it be that easy?

My story has become such a part of me that it is too painful to completely release—it’s the only one I know right now. 

So, I suppose this is when the shadow work begins. I am now in search of proof that my voice has wisdom and value.

I have been searching and journaling every day now. The journey begins right here with these words today.

I choose to seek out my own voice’s wisdom to create a beautiful, new story of who I am. As I search and find truth and evidence, I am rewriting my story and transforming myself into someone new. We all have the power to do this work.

I can release the old story that has been holding me back for my entire life. 

And that taking off point—that pivotal moment of release—is a feeling one can only experience when the time is right.

~

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