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November 4, 2021

I Pray you Find Someone who Makes you feel Safe to be Yourself.

It’s so easy to get lost in the dark eyes of a bad boy, whose effortlessly cool nature brings you to your knees literally and figuratively in the back of a West Village dive bar.

He’ll capture your senses like no other, make you feel like the only woman in the world for just a moment, then cast you aside to go to the bathroom with his ex because she does things you don’t.

You’ll never feel less “cool” in your life.

But don’t let it get to you because this person will not change, but you will (as will your definition of cool).

The rise and fall of a brief relationship are confusing, especially when they tell you they love you within a few months of dating. And I think that’s what makes them the hardest to get over.

All the time, you spend wishing, waiting, and hoping for that person to give you the relationship you want, the relationship they promised. Then, when it’s finally yours, it’s nothing that you hoped it would be.

When my friends asked me why I loved this person, I never really could answer.

I was hoping I’d met someone who would bring into my life the self-assured, confident, strong, and fun-loving nature that they seem to own so naturally. But as we got closer, I realized they possessed none of those qualities. They were the things I projected from my own personality.

I willed someone to have come from a past as broken as my own, to be able to function the way they pretended to. But they didn’t. And it’s not their fault. They guarded their wounds with a hatred for anyone who dared try to tend to them.

Vulnerability is considered a weakness to some, one that they love to take advantage of in the women who love them.

I didn’t realize this at first, though. I must have gotten too caught up looking into their eyes, holding their hand, feeling those lips against mine—bliss, comfort, and a sense of belonging. I didn’t hold on to the transgressions, lies, drug use, their lack of respect for me any time I said or did something that wasn’t aligned with their worldview.

It’s so easy to cling to the hope that someone could learn the intricacies of your mind the same way they quickly knew the intricacies of your body.

Instead, it’s easy for them to use you. Your love can make others feel powerful. They found someone they could be their worst selves with, someone who would still love them in the morning despite everything. Unconditional love is a special, rare thing that some people aren’t able to reciprocate.

So after several failed attempts at the love that never was, I had to step away.

When you can’t put into words why you love someone, that should be a major red flag.

When you truly love someone you know the whys.

Not knowing the reason for your love is just an illusion, the messy chemicals in your brain reacting to loneliness or an attachment wound. When you love someone you know. You can feel it in your stomach, you can taste it. And when you’re together, it’s impossible to believe for one single minute that anyone, anywhere, has ever felt this good in the entire world.

That’s what love is like. True love. Put into words. It’s not hard or foreign. It’s familiar, warm, and inviting.

We’ve never had love.

It was too easy to mistake danger and drama for romance and passion. But that’s okay because I know the love that’s waiting for me will be so much better.

I want security, someone I know will always be there loving me. I need stability, the knowledge that nothing will pull a person away from me. Not drugs, alcohol, another woman, or any other force of nature. I need understanding, someone who grasps my moods and doesn’t try to change them or take them on as their own, someone I can open up to and talk with for hours, someone who can understand when I close down silent without trying to intrude.

I need someone I can talk about philosophy with, someone who challenges me mentally every day, someone who questions the possibilities that lie in the stars, yet also someone who can quell my racing mind that’s always mulling over trivial topics.

What I don’t need is confusion and heartache. You don’t need that either.

So take this as your sign to leave. Do it for yourself, but don’t separate from this person with any hate in your heart. Send them love, and pray for their healing and happiness. Pray that no one ever touches you again until it’s with true love.

I pray you find someone who makes you feel safe to be yourself.

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