No sex drive? You’re not alone! Take it from a sex therapist and coach with years of experience.
Sex isn’t always easy in long-term relationships, in spite of what pop culture has us believe. Even if we’re in the “right” relationship, it’s definitely not always a given.
Low desire is common within one in three women, and in 13 to 28 percent of men experiencing low sex drive. Specific statistics about those elsewhere on the gender spectrum aren’t available, however, it’s probably similarly frequent.
Having no sex drive or lower desire than usual doesn’t mean you’re broken or that anything is wrong. It may feel that way. But our feelings aren’t always right.
What it usually does mean is that there’s stuff to work on in order to get your desire back (and this is the good news!).
Sex drive isn’t actually something you either have or don’t have. It’s an emotion, and it’s one you can affect both positively and negatively. Though probably not in the way you think (read more about this in my blog post on how emotions control sex).
It’s possible to increase desire if you want to.
Popping pills and natural remedies aren’t the way to getting that passion back. It usually involves a whole lot of other things. Because if these were actually viable solutions, you’d better believe everyone and their mother would have a raging sex drive by now, right? Unfortunately, the solution is a little more complex, but still highly doable.
The key is working with yourself on a deeper level and addressing why your desire is gone in the first place. Your sexuality is a fundamental part of who you are. It’s ingrained in your whole being, which means it’s not possible to separate your sex drive from everything else.
How to go from no sex drive to lots of it?
Work out if you want to feel more desire.
Pinpointing whether or not you actually want your desire back is something I’ve helped clients with for years through sex therapy and coaching. Knowing whether they actually want to increase their libido or not is critical, because without knowing this, you may be inadvertently sabotaging your own desire.
Let me explain.
If the answer is “yes, I want more desire,” take a second and notice what’s going on in your body. Oftentimes, your gut reaction is to say “yes,” but hidden underneath the surface is another feeling: fear. You may notice this by feeling your breath move up to your chest or feeling a tightening in your stomach.
You want to get your sex drive back but, also, you don’t. You tell yourself that if you try, you’ll fail. And then you’ll know for sure that there actually is something wrong with you.
You’ll know that your relationship or marriage can’t be rekindled. That intimacy and excitement is something you’ll never experience again. That you’re, in fact, damaged goods.
The hurt caused by these beliefs can hamper the work you’re doing to fix your relationship and increase your libido. Because if you, deep down, don’t believe it’s possible for you, you’ll subconsciously look for things that confirm this belief. Even if this belief isn’t true.
For example, every time your partner gives you a kiss and you feel the dread start to creep in, you take it as a sign that things will never change. Or whenever your partner suggests sex you think, “What’s the point? It won’t work anyway.” Or if you and your partner are fooling around, you’re convinced you won’t get in the mood fast enough, or not feel aroused enough, further confirming that you’re a person who just doesn’t feel desire.
If this sounds like you, know there are ways of turning this around, and here’s how.
Work out why you have no sex drive.
We often jump straight to the solution: how to increase libido. Cosmo would have you believe that increasing your sex drive is about using lime-flavored lube and spicy new positions. These are just quick fixes, and though they might help in the short term, they aren’t actual solutions.
Gadgets and toys can’t remove the pressure and stress you feel to have sex. Complicated positions and lingerie can’t create the intimacy you’re longing for.
In order to want sex, you need to start out by understanding why you don’t want it. And part of this is usually understanding your underlying beliefs about sex.
If you miss this crucial step, you’ll likely end up trying things to no avail. And when these quick fixes don’t translate into improvements, it increases the worry you feel about the situation and makes you less motivated to try something else.
In my free resource, The Desire Test, you get help with this fundamental first step: working out what’s blocking your desire. Using simple math, this quiz helps you understand the reasons behind low desire from different perspectives ranging from biological to cultural (yes, cultural!).
It will guide you toward taking the first step to more desire and intimacy.
If you want the whole solution right away and you’re serious about going from no sex drive to lots of desire and intimacy with your partner, then you’re ready for my online coaching program, Re: Desire. It’s built on sexological science, coaching, and psychotherapeutic tools, plus my extensive experience as a sex therapist and coach.
It is the solution that will help you increase desire, intimacy, and closeness without pressure and stress (because you don’t need any more of that stress).