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November 23, 2021

The Hauntingly Beautiful Song that gave me Permission to Heal.

 

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A fellow yoga teacher of mine has been teaching a Chakra yoga flow series.

For each chakra, she made a playlist of songs and has been sharing them with me. In the middle of the playlist for the Heart Chakra, “Why My Healing” by Sophia Spallino came on and it wrecked me. It stopped me right in my tracks and I just started to cry.

I was brushing my teeth getting ready for my day. When out of nowhere, this voice just started telling me:

In this moment, I choose healing. I let go of what doesn’t serve me.

Mid stroke of the toothbrush and I stop. What is this? I turn it up.

I release what hurt me.

Oh, this just hit my heart. I finish brushing and I just stand there waiting for these words to wash over me.

Pain is not mine to hold. Judgement is not mine to own.

And I’m done, my hands are on my heart and tears are falling from my eyes. See, for a while now, I have been on a journey. A journey of healing myself of past trauma, of healing my body, of healing my soul. It’s something I work on every day. And these words, these hauntingly beautiful words were all the words I had been trying to say to myself.

I am love.

I am forgiving.

I am overcoming.

With each line, I wanted to raise my hands and scream, “Yes! Yes! I am love, I am forgiving, I am overcoming.”

But, the rest of the house was asleep and I don’t think they would have appreciated my yelling. It was as if she was talking straight to me, saying, “I see you, I hear you, I know how far you have come.”

And I took in every word with open arms like a warm hug. Letting them sink into my whole being, allowing myself to just feel.

Forgiveness is not condoning. Forgiveness is letting go of the past controlling.

At this point, I am sobbing—for these words, for this understanding. Yes, I forgive—not for you, not to you, but for me, for my children, for my grandchildren. To stop the generational trauma. I am forgiving. I am stopping the control over me. I am releasing it from my body. These aren’t easy things to do and sometimes I stumble but this is the work.

This present is a gift.

Being present and in the moment, experiencing it all—the good, the bad—it’s all a gift right here in the moment. And at that moment, the gift was this song. A song I didn’t know I needed. A song that spoke straight to my heart. That gave me all I needed in words I didn’t have.

See, that’s unusual because I write all the time. I put my experiences into words and form poetry for every moment, for every experience, for every emotion, and yet, I couldn’t put this journey I have been on into words. I’ve tried, but they come out in little short stories and events.

But one four-minute song was my novel I couldn’t write.

I bless and release what does not bring me peace.

May we all find the courage to do just that. To not stay stuck, to know what is healing us and what is killing us, and release it with love.

I will feast on joy.

I will feast on peace.

Love and goodness.

I will dance with an open heart again.

I will love with an open heart again.

And so too will I. Because I deserve to—we all do.

 

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