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I’m sure it’s a combination of dealing with the repercussions of the last two years’ global life challenges that have continued to impact all of us in every area of the planet.
I’m sure it’s my own loneliness and grief being a single parent, figuring out all of the nooks and crannies to not only survive in this broken system but also thrive in restructuring the ways that humanity connects.
I’m sure it’s being less than a middle-aged marginalized millennial entrepreneur woman, going against the grain of society in all areas: education, law, religion/spirituality, medicine, healing, beauty.
There are so many pieces of my soul that do not feel at home here, on this planet, in these societies, and within these mainstream organizations that take place for us to gather and unite. And for this reason, I have been heart-wrenched and pulled into building and creating new timelines.
Even while I work to build new paradigms in my communities that go against the grain, I still feel met with layers upon layers of façade, privilege, and power-hungry community leaders who honestly just make me want to go back home.
I believe that’s where my intuition has guided me into an ancient remembrance of what I truly need here, on Earth, in this lifetime.
And I have found it to be an ancient, primordial, and wild current that many others are yearning for, too.
In motherhood, I’ve been forced to strip everything from maidenhood that was shallow and empty in order to come untethered, undone, and tend to the garden that is rich of quality time with my daughter, setting us up with financial security, and building the roots and foundation for what we need to move forward in our life.
There are so many small, nuanced details that fall in the crevices of those bigger visions of life’s dreams and goals.
So many small nuances and grey areas that need my tending and tender love to constantly be undone.
And although I have biological years to go, I feel my heart already moving in toward the medicine of the crone.
At first, this path of building new circles meant taking on every single opportunity that brought in income, that gave me resources, that connected me with community. That notion to create something out of nothing, something that isn’t already here or established popularly on the planet today, really moved me to network.
What I realized later, is that I actually don’t want it all. I just want what I want.
And what I want is not mediocre, half-assed, and empty.
What I want is made of substance, life force, juice, understanding, love, and commitment.
I don’t want money if it means sacrificing my health. I don’t want a number of resources that don’t offer any sort of quality toward me and my real, true needs. I don’t want friendships that can’t even show up in the ugly and messy times when I really need somebody by my side. I don’t want family just to say I have a big family, when I’ve had to hold myself, parent my parents, or give what I don’t have during the times when I really need to be held, parented, loved, and gifted.
I don’t have time for fake relationships anymore. I don’t have time for trying to puff myself up, make myself big and important, or feed the narratives of those who need to constantly be at the top, facilitating absolutely every small detail in others’ lives, either.
I don’t need to go out of my way anymore and bleed my heart out in order for my loved ones to know what I need. I don’t need to sacrifice pieces of myself in order to be loved and supported in my friendships and relationships. I don’t need to abandon the parts of myself that are too much for others who don’t get it.
I honestly feel like I don’t even need to put out the call for finding “my people” anymore.
I want to return to the old ways. The ancient ways. The ways where I was naturally and organically whatever the f*ck I am, without needing to slap a label on it, explain myself to others who don’t get it, or reach out to others who are “like me.”
I yearn for what is wholesome, substantial, organic, and primal again.
I yearn for humans needing one another because we are an interdependent species, and not because we need to put a price and a service on every person we know.
For gatherings being held with coffee, children, food, and nurturance, and not because some higher person needs to be facilitating it, while being seen as a powerful leader or community coordinator.
For gardens being grown together, for the sake of feeding and nourishing and caring, and not because it’s the new trendy thing to do and we want to make the cut.
I’m sick of how we’ve monetized our loved ones, how we’ve lost our ability to simply gather and connect, and how we’ve slapped the label “codependent” on any person who simply needs another person (we are an interdependent species, after all).
I’m sick of all of the “women have to look this way in order to be feminine.”
I’m sick of all of the “you must do x,y,z in order to be spiritual or enlightened.”
I’m sick of all of the “you are struggling in this because of your trauma.”
I’m so sick of all of the black and white polarities from binary thinking that don’t leave room for nuance, complexity, grey area, rainbow area, color, depth, or neurodivergence.
I’m so sick of how we’ve taken bigger and more complex structures such as God, creation, Earth-based practices, rituals, lineage wisdom, healing, and natural laws and twisted them into ways that make us feel more comfortable as humans.
But whatever it was—the mandate to stay home (which has been an absolute pleasure for me, honestly), the initiation to constantly level up in motherhood, the rug being pulled out from my feet many, many times, forcing me to be innovative and creative as a single woman and parent, paired with the tiredness of society and the organic tendency to just continue coming undone, made me realize I do not have time for mediocre living anymore.
That also just means that I don’t have time for facades, masks, or hierarchy in my friendships and communities, power plays, and all of the ways that we just keep adding separation and leverage between one another.
I can only show up full-heartedly, full in with love and devotion for whatever within my soul that is pure honesty and integrity. Otherwise, I can’t show up at all.
This doesn’t mean that I won’t show up if I’m messy, or unready, or nervous, or afraid. In fact, I am pretty much always up against my fear. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about how I just no longer have the space to show up for what doesn’t feel right and resonant for me.
I don’t have the time, energy, money, bandwidth, or even the damn desire to show up to what is no longer serving me in return.
I require resonance. I require reciprocation. I require an organic love, a figure eight of energy exchange and a genuine appreciation for being in one another’s space and sphere.
I remember my ancestors gathering this way. Making meals together. Growing gardens together. Shopping together. Caring for one another’s children. Cooking together. Nesting, building, fostering, cultivating together. And not for the sake of labels or names, or riches or fame. Not because it was popular, or because they wanted to fit in. Simply, because it was the thing that humans did.
There were no strings attached, no monetizing one another or pedestalling one another.
It was done that way just because it was normal.
I remember those ancient ways. Do you?