I’m sipping my coffee, but it doesn’t taste the same anymore.
My favorite moments of the regular days are when I have my morning coffee—bitter and fulfilling—and when the moon starts shining in the night sky, inviting me to open my journal or notebook and start writing.
Listening to classical music, drawing, or taking a walk with my dog make me as lively as it is possible.
But it doesn’t feel the same anymore.
And I realize that this is not something that will occur with a string of anxiety attacks on a daily basis. This has an expiry date. But it also renews its production date after a while of dormancy.
And this thing is the constant fear of the unknown. It’s the constant anxiousness that things are out of my control. It’s the constant worry when things aren’t certain or set in stone.
When things are shaky.
When my life is not determined according to my rules and plans.
When I have to wait for fate or other people to decide how things will turn out.
When I cannot control what is going to happen.
And after years of reflection, I realize that this is normal, that we simply cannot be in control of everything, but alas, sometimes, anxiety decides how we’re going to feel, not how we’re supposed to feel.
It is necessary to put a leash on it if we cannot completely get rid of it. At least, that way we can control where we’re going, even if it’s right next to us.
And I’m not going to say that Toni Morrison’s words suddenly came to mind when I started feeling the pangs of anxiety (the moment that my life plans started getting blurry). No, I don’t just walk around remembering quotes.
For some reason, I just opened my laptop and searched for quotes on the uncertainty of life and was reminded of these great Toni Morrison’s words that ring true to every aspect of my life at the present.
And what is the sh*t that is weighing us down?
Is it worth it?
Sometimes, yes it is. Sometimes, it’s a loved one’s poor health. Sometimes, it’s our own. Sometimes, it’s a broken heart. Sometimes, it’s a life-threatening situation, whatever that may be to us.
Either way, I do strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. Even our anxiety.
It’s okay to be anxious. Anxiety may help us make smart decisions and strive to find solutions to the problems we’re facing. But once we’ve acknowledged that anxiety and the things that are keeping us up at night it’s time to let them go and start moving forward.
We can’t fly if our ankles are tied to an anchor that keeps us glued to the bottom. We can’t fly if we don’t want to fly.
And as I read this quote over and over again, I smiled to myself and sipped my coffee.
I am done feeling sorry for myself. I am done letting others take control of my life and thoughts.
It is time for me to acknowledge my worries then slowly let them go, or at least control them.
It is time for me to move forward.
It is time for me to fly.
“You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.” — Toni Morrison pic.twitter.com/Xm7d3OkiGE
— Toni Morrison: The Pieces I Am (@ToniMorrison) November 10, 2020