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April 8, 2022

Gotta play the cards you are dealt with

Just days away from turning 30, I find myself constantly going back to this quote- It doesn’t matter what cards you are dealt with but how you play the hand.

I am in this rather unusual retrospective mode this month, in a calm quiet mode though, not wallowing or being obsessed over anything.

I believe because turning 30 is such a milestone for me especially, like a confirmation that I am deep into adulthood and innocence of 20s is long gone.

I cannot help but think about some phases that life showed me and quite frankly those circumstances are what made me who I am today. I believe we are nothing without our triumphs but we truly are more refined by our setbacks.

This isn’t a rant for sympathy but rather an honest account of having somehow found strength and will.

As an obese child I missed out on a lot of good things like clothes and experiences. I remember I would pretend to be busy on certain days just to avoid shopping with family or friends. While my friends talked about the latest dress they would like and how they enjoyed a certain activity. My only contribution was the comical comments I made. Being a young teen and not having any story to tell or place to participate was huge for me. In any school outing I would often be so ashamed to be so big, trying to disappear somewhere.

I often felt if this is the way life will be, how will I ever move forward?

Being obese was definitely my doing, emotional eating is a concept I learnt of very late in my life. For many reasons I depended on food , that is a story for another article.

But I often recall my chubby days because I was struggling with the consequences of my eating habits due to situations I didn’t choose. Yet somehow I was the funniest and sweetest girl, not just my friends but even distant acquaintances recall my sheer innocence and wit. I wonder now that how come as a immature child I managed to be so cheerful when infact I felt quite the opposite.

I guess I learnt from a young age that I cannot control anything except my own perspective. I wanted to be a happy friend and good student so I handled myself accordingly.

This is the innate strength I often tap into, as an adult it’s very easy to get lost in our failures and setbacks.

Fast forward to my adult years and innumerable situations that I have no control over, makes me often stop and think about the quiet oversized girl I was. When at 15 it all seemed so impossible but I made it here to this present day. Gathering as much of experience in life as I can.

Wading through insecurities yet trying very best to be present in life.

I find great comfort in knowing that if that version of  myself who had nothing to show for herself except her true nature. I as an adult with resources can definitely Wade through yet another tough tide and reach the shore.

For I have no say in what life throws at me but I can decide how I handle it.

Like I always hoped for better years to come and they did, I just have to believe in it again and again.

And on days I want to give up and give into a one pound cake, I remember that no problem will ever be solved by ignoring it but rather facing it. And that is the true reward.

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Radhika Sahi Kaur  |  Contribution: 7,590