I am an angry woman.
I admit I have my moments, and those moments aren’t pretty.
In fact, just last week, I flew into a rage and became just like a bull in a china shop.
Destruction. Devastation. Death.
Oh, that last one hurts.
Losing my dad to cancer on January 1, 2022, was (and still is) a f*cking mind job to me. I won’t lie: waking up every single morning and crying first thing is tough. But like I remind everyone in my circle, this isn’t going to end anytime soon.
When he passed on, I became the most numb I’ve ever been in my entire existence. Basically, I began paving the way for my rage to find a semi-permanent home—in my head, in my heart, in my bones, in my muscles. And when I exploded last week, I knew I had to sit myself down and start to write. Because putting my thoughts down and submitting my pieces on this platform has been nothing but cathartic, therapeutic, and a lifeline for me since my father left me.
He was so young. At 77, I marveled at his take on life—light and lively in every sense of the word. I miss his effervescence. He smells like home to me. I miss feeling engulfed by his love and care and undivided attention. I’m welling up with tears right this instant…
Oh, but the rage lives on.
Being a redhead certainly doesn’t help—because you know what they say about redheads. Our personalities have a tendency to match our hair color: bold, brash, brazen, bitchy.
Being born under the sign of the bull (Taurus) certainly doesn’t help. May I refer to the “bull in a china shop” reference once more?
Being a typically angry woman who reacts quickly when triggered definitely doesn’t help; can you say calm the eff down?
But the rage lives on.
And you know what’s healthy? Raging on, when necessary. Not for too long, though, because too much of anything isn’t conducive to a happy, healthy, and productive life.
So, here’s what I say:
Feel the anger surge through your system, if need be. Let the burning sensation behind your eyes seer right through your disappointments and f*ck-ups. Give yourself permission to feel this nasty, all-consuming, chaotic, neurotic emotion. Because we were born to feel.
Don’t you ever close yourself off to feeling every single, solitary emotion on the spectrum.
Don’t you ever think you’re out of your mind if you decide to have a meltdown one day.
Feel, for gosh sake!
Rage on, darling.
It’s okay to feel rage.
But when you’re good and ready, you’ll be grounded and level-headed again. Just breathe through all the muck and negativity.
I promise you, if you breathe, if you fill your mind with other pleasant distractions, people, places, or things, you will regain focus and clarity and your mood will soften.
Go with the emotional flow.
Don’t hold back.
Be who you are.
Come back to yourself each and every time.
And believe that the universe will never steer you wrong.