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November 4, 2022


“I just didn’t know.“

“I just didn’t know.“

“I just didn’t know.“

4 Years ago, laying on the bathroom floor.

I was deep in shadow work. For the first time in my life I saw clearly

All the ways I had abandoned mySelf.

All the ways I had betrayed my own truth.

Stepped away from my Essence.

As I stood in the mirror preparing to shower

I glanced at my body

For the first time really noticing it

Really noticing ME

And my heart broke in pure love

As each and every moment past moved through me

It was visceral, all encompassing

And I fell down in grief for all the parts of mySelf I pushed away.

As I lay there rocking mySelf

Feeling it all

I cried,

“I just didn’t know.“

“I just didn’t know.“

“I just didn’t know.“

I didn’t know how special you were.

I didn’t know how the moon shined brighter when you were around

How the waves of the ocean matched the rhythm of your heart

I didn’t know that YOU were the magic.

That’s why I looked for it in all of them.

I just didn’t know.

I didn’t know what it meant to love

I decided long ago that love was pain

That life on earth was a war, not a gift.

I didn’t know that happiness lived within me.

That’s why I searched so far outside of me.

I just didn’t know

That I didn’t deserve it

That my heart didn’t earn it

That what others did to hurt me

Wasn’t a reflection of my worth.

I didn’t know that I was worthy of compassion.

That’s why I didn’t understand Grace.

I felt mySelf, in love and acceptance until I was ready.

I’ll never forget how it felt to stand up, hours later.

Like as I walked I was very aware I was protecting gold

My energy, glowing.

My breath, life giving

My body, sacred.

A deep gratitude began to take up acreage across my entire being

In awe of all I had walked through to get to this moment.

No longer in survival mode

No longer the need to be anything other than me

No longer a desire to please others

That moment flashed through my mind last night

Laying in the canopy, a beautiful tree watching over me

As I stood in awe of the beauty of the present moment

The deep peace found in simplicity,

a need for nothing else but this moment

I didn’t really realize that it could be easy,

I didn’t realize I didn’t need them to see me.

That’s why I thought the world could free me

I just didn’t know.

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