Like so many of us, I went into the pandemic knowing who I was. I had international recognition and I felt safe in knowing who I was.
Right before the pandemic I had decided to end a 16 year relationship, lost my best friend ( my great Dane x mastiff ) and moved back to Hawaii from Australia.
I had realized I wasn’t happy deep inside. And I did not want to spend another day that way. Settling… Feeling lack. So the answer must be to move… Again
No big deal. I’ve started over so many times, what’s one more? It has to be what’s around me… Right?
So I move home and I ( thought ) I had made it! I was getting recognition from my peers in my hometown (I thought ) I was the badass loser girl that left 20 years ago that came home after making good! I showed the world that I was somebody! Look at all that I did!
I fought tooth and nail to show that I was worthy.
So I said goodbye to my “life” that I knew and came home.
Hawaii has always called to me when I need to come home to “ground” myself… Reconnect to Spirit.
The November ( my Bday month ) before the Pandemic I decided to stop drinking. Started to go to AA and meet someone and fell in LOVE
I was in a great place (?) making money, in love, stopped drinking, my own person. I even went as far as to get plastic surgery because I was doing so well it was a gift to myself. I was self made!
Sober for the first time since I was double digits! ( Yes pretty much since I was 10 )
Sounds like I had my shit together huh?
Nope! I had absolutely no clue or ideal of who or what I was!
There lies our problems
Deep down I’ve always be in a state of lack. And because of the wounds my parents never healed I grew up in A lot of chaos. Both emotionally and physically.
So to say say my inner child and teenager needed to be healed is an understatement.
The pandemic hits the love of my life is going thru his own inner self issues, my identity ( mask ) of being this world famous Marlin Captain came to a screeching stop.
The the baggage that F and I brought into the relationship ( remember we meet in AA ) from our past.
And my old toxic thought patterns of my world is going to implode and my need to and tendency to rush into things to “fix” or “prevent” what I previously thought were Tower Moments which I now know were simply my inner child/teen trying to control another situation out of fear.
Lets add the situation of being isolated and getting involved in a situation that left me with let’s just say a really bad situation of plastic surgery gone wrong.
So here we are today! And what has the last four years taught me
- I am NOT an addict.
- I never allowed myself to come forward ( I never knew who I was, No Clue )
- I am capable of unconditional love and am learning to give it to myself
- Walking away from what does not serve you is a blessing
- Universal Law is real and actually in play
- That giving cups of love to Everyone is what we really need
- And that your own true inner self can only be heard when you stop, think, look and listen to what the universe is trying to give you.
Looking with in is not easy. It’s really hard to say to yourself and others that I take and accept responsibility for myself.
That the only control that we have is to accept that we are human there for we have human emotions. But we are also spiritual beings and we are meant to recognize that we must balance that.
All relationships regardless of nature should be based upon equal give and take, that we do not know what others face ( real or spiritual) and that to heal our own inner wounds is vital to the health and future of our planet.
Look around and look at our history. Man’s ( humanity) ego , our desperate need to control what we perceive as our reality is nothing but needless negative energy.
Taking time out, especially today to go within and Really figure out what your true intentions are and why is the best gift you can not only give yourself but our children of the future ?