Unsatisfying sex. Low libido. Lack of enthusiasm about sex with your partner. Struggling with asking for what you desire. If any of these are problems you have struggled with or you would like to leave in the past, read on, then this guide is for YOU! Because here is the truth-
Sex is SUCH an important part of human happiness, yet we are taught very little about how to responsibly engage with other humans in a way that supports expressing our desires, upholding boundaries, and making it a FUN experience! Most of us learn how to have sex from watching movies as teenagers, leaving great sex up to chance or to the thrills of initial oxytocin from a new partner.
But what about long term partnership and the courage to explore in a different way, or even with new partners as a single or poly person?i Take the power of satisfying sex back into your hands instead of leaving it to chance.
Step 1) Other people’s pleasure is not your responsibility
We’ve all been there- stuck in our heads in the middle of a sensual experience, wondering if the other person feels good, wondering if you are “doing it right”… Basically, putting ALL kinds of pressure on yourself to make sure the other person (or people) feels good.. And leaving yourself out in the process.
The truth is- it is not your job to pleasure your partner. THAT is your partner’s responsibility.
What do I mean by this? Your job is YOUR pleasure- just like your partner’s job is THEIR pleasure. Meaning- the only person you should focus on is you.
“But isn’t that selfish?
But I want my partner to feel good!
But but but!!”
I know, I know, I can feel your internal protests from here! I’m not telling you to act like a robot or stop doing things that make your partner feel good. I’m telling you to stop doing things from a place of believing that its on YOU to make your partners sexual experience enjoyable.
Because if that’s how you are approaching intimate encounters, especially with your long term partner..This is a fertile breeding ground for resentments to build up and show up in other ways..
Which leads me directly the next step
Step 2) Ask for what you want without worrying about your partner
“Wait, what? That’s so selfish! Oh my god, they are going to break up with me/stop seeing me/leave me/not like me…” and on and on the mind goes.
Here is the truth. When you ask for what you want WITHOUT worrying about your partner you are doing 3 things
- Showing that you are in control of your desires and needs and fully responsible for getting what you want (instead of putting it on someone else)
- Creating space for your partner to DO THE SAME
- Treating your partner like they are divinely capable of saying no if they are a no
When you don’t ask for what you want because you are worried about whether or not your partner will want the same thing, this is-
- Treating them like a victim incapable of expressing themselves
- Controlling the situation because YOU aren’t comfortable asking for what you want, so you deflect your discomfort onto them by asking for what they want
Did your brain just explode? Yeah, I get it, my brain did too the first time I learned these concepts. But it’s true that often we as humans try to comfort or control situations that we ourselves aren’t comfortable with. Like this- when someone is crying, why do people “comfort” them or say things like “There, there, you’re okay, it’s all okay, you got this,” etc, instead of allowing the person to express? Because they themselves are not comfortable with that emotion, so they subconsciously try to stop you from expressing and triggering their mirror neurons (when you witness other people have an emotion, a part of you mimics it in your brain).
*Please note- If it is obvious that someone is a “no” to what you are asking for even though they say “yes” for f%$ sake, don’t go through with it. Read their body language and tone- this is NOT about manipulating someone into saying yes to things they are a no to.
Which leads me to step 3
Step 3) NO means next opportunity- create boundaries for your sensual experience.
No is a REALLY important word, and it’s one you should get familiar with- both in giving and receiving. If you don’t say no, it shows you have sloppy boundaries and that you’re not safe. If you DO say no, it shows you have firm boundaries and are comfortable in your decisions. And that makes you a trustworthy person- because if you say “yes” when you don’t mean it, it can build blame, shame, and resentment, and put you RIGHT back into the drama triangle- insert link here.
Creating boundaries by speaking your desires and then giving space for them to be accepted or rejected is an awesome practice because you AND your partner get the opportunity to exercise sovereignty. You get to say define what you are available for, and even how long! Want an example?
Person A “ I want to spank you, bite your nipples and then have sex with you all night”
Person B “I’m a no to all of that, but I am available for a makeout session where we both have our clothes on that goes for 20 minutes. I don’t want you to touch my genitals, but you can touch my chest/breast”
Person A “Okay, thanks for letting me know your boundaries, I am so glad you shared them”
Makeout commences- and yes, I have ACTUALLY set a timer with partners. It did NOT kill the mood, in fact it enhanced mine, because then I could stop worrying about things going on past my energy levels because there was already a defined endpoint. Which meant I could just relax into it :)And truthfully- sane people don’t want to engage with someone who is a no. So if you’re not feeling it, let it be known, for your sake AND your partner’s.
And remember, nothing is set in stone. If you start feeling like you don’t want to be in the encounter anymore -STOP IT! There is zero obligation to keep going just because you said you would earlier. These are dynamic encounters, and stick to the script as much or as little as you want. The most IMPORTANT thing is that you are a FULL FUCK YES to whatever is happening, and that if you are not, you express that. And- if you want to negotiate it and keep going, that is also an option.
Step 4) Learn your erotic blueprint
One of the BIGGEST killers of desire and libido is when you don’t get what you want- and the sad truth is we are taught one model of sex that leaves most of us wanting for more. Once I understood my own erotic blueprint (energetic and kinky), I was better able to voice what I wanted because I had a name for it. Some people get off on boobs, some people get off on eye contact, and some people need handcuffs to get turned on. Whatever it is, explore what works and what doesn’t so that you can please yourself and your partner.
Step 5) Give feedback
Have you ever gotten a massage that really sucked that left you really disappointed when you left? Like the person was way too soft in their touch, or maybe they HURT you? Here’s my question to you- did you let the person know how you were feeling, or did you expect them to read your mind? It can be easy to be worried about hurting someone else’s feelings, especially because they are mind readers and already knew what you were experiencing so why add to their pain by repeating it.. Oh wait a minute, you’re NOT a mind reader? You couldn’t TELL I didn’t like that just because I thought it?
Yup, it’s true- Most people can’t read your mind, so if you don’t tell them what you do or don’t like- well, they are just gonna keep doing what they think you like. Because not giving feedback is a form of saying yes and no- yes keep doing that or oh they didn’t respond so let’s move on (even though inside you don’t want them to EVER stop!!).
So as they taught in preschool- use your words! And moans, and groans, and ouchies, and giggles, and all the things. But first and foremost- WORDS.