February 8, 2023

How to Return to Love when we’ve Spent Years Haunted by Fear.


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There’s one emotion that’s haunted me throughout my entire life.

You may know it well—it’s fear.

Fear is one emotion that us human beings are currently unable to eliminate and there’s a reason for that. Fear exists in the reptilian part of our brain and it’s what has enabled us to survive.

It’s fear that keeps us alive because without it we could die. That may seem dramatic but bare with me. There are times in our lives when we need fear to enable us to run from a threat or freeze in the hope that the threat will miss us, even just barely.

But the problem is that we don’t have the same threats we once had. As a species, we’ve made it—we’ve survived. However, our hard drive hasn’t been updated and so it continues to look for reasons to feel fear.

Fear controls our reticular activating system, the part of our brain that focuses on the very things that we subconsciously tell it to. Our fear, as it exists in today’s world, is constantly on the lookout for other threats, like the fear of rejection. It can show up in the smallest of scenarios, like when we’re scrolling through our social media and wonder why someone hasn’t liked our post or responded to our message.

Of course, in our current climate, there are real reasons to feel fear, for example fearing for our health and any physical pain we may be experiencing. Or fear due to finances (or the lack thereof). Or fear of never finding our sense of purpose, community, and support. Or the fear that we will never be loved.

Basically what I am saying is that we all live with fear, some of us more than others.

My fear began as young as eight years old, due to experiences in my childhood. Even though the fear was often difficult for me, I believed it was a natural part of being human because I didn’t know any different.

After the death of my father, I decided to use my fear to my full advantage. I realised that I’d lived 10 years of my life with my fear and that, in reality, the fear didn’t prevent the bad things from happening. My father’s death had proved that.

I knew then that this sense of impending doom wasn’t going to stop tragedy in its tracks or make me feel better able to cope. In fact, if anything it inhibited me because it’s so f*cking draining.

So I chose to take more risks, in spite of the fear, because in my mind I was like, “What difference does it make if I up the stakes?”

To bring you to date, I’m now 41 years old and presently a solo parent to a gorgeous one-year-old boy. Since the birth of my son, fear has been knocking on my door a lot more loudly. However, it’s not for the reasons that you may think. It’s the fear of not being able to provide for us as a family unit and for my own mortality because I am all that he has in this world right now.

The problem is, sometimes my fear is so intense that it manifests as a tightening in my chest. It’s not due to any health condition, it is simply due to the fear of impending doom (again). It’s my mind connecting to my body.

The paradox of this all is that I’m a Wild Woman Coach who speaks frequently about self-mastery and controlling your thoughts. And I’ve noticed that the more I put myself out there to help other women, the bigger my fear becomes.

It’s returned with a vengeance—and I finally get it.

Quite often, the things we teach are the very things we need help with ourselves. That’s why we do this work, right? Most importantly, if I’m to truly help women conquer their fear, then I must experience it again, in its entirety. Because how can I help others if I don’t know fear inside and out.

So I do the work myself. I practice the S.T.O.P. technique, which helps me break down certain barriers in life, and I meditate. But I also appreciate that the fear just doesn’t want to leave my side.

And so here’s what I’ve learnt about it recently and want to share with you in the hope that you too can take comfort and feel less alone with your fear.

Firstly, the more we resist something the more it persists. Every day, I talk to my fear with compassion. I put my hands onto my heart and I breathe into it. I say, “Hello my friend. I feel you’re still here. What do you need to teach me today? What do I need to understand? What can I do for you?” Sometimes I journal the answers and allow my pen to flow, as I believe it is giving my fear a voice—and like a human being, we all simply want to be heard.

But the biggest lesson my fear is teaching me is that there is a strong calling for me to connect to the divine light, to source energy, and to my higher self, which are ultimately all of the same.

I do this now by praying, and not to any religious God but to my own God who I know loves me, the one who created me. I ask for his guidance to help me understand my fear. I ask my God and my guides, “Where will you have me go and what will you have me do?” Then I open my heart and mind to the answers. I make myself an open vessel for information.

I ask for guidance and the ability to trust this process called life. Because ultimately what fear is teaching us is our separation from love, from ourselves. And love is what will heal our world, what will end wars and unite us.

Fear is teaching us all to return to love. Love your fellow human and trust in the universe.


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