Maybe driving 2,200 miles can show us the way back home to ourselves?

Hi, Elephant Journal. I’ve been a member off and on for years but would never publish anything at all until today! Some know me as Arabella and it means the answered prayer or the one who yields to prayer. To a very select few intimate relations, I’m known as Marie.

And I’m known as Bella to a group of unsuspecting souls that simply don’t know how to relate to me at all, so I’ve dumbed my name down.

Anyways, I’m all about truth, mostly discovering what truth means to me. My soul is forever trying to remember who I really am before the world told me who I was to be. And I’ve been on a very long, dark journey this entire incarnation of nearly 58 years, and very intensely since October 2012.

WHY.

From the outsider’s perspective, I’ve heard my life often described as being “adventurous” but actually I believe it’s for lack of a better word because they don’t really know how to personally understand the curious and odd nature of me or my lifestyle.

Seriously, who would willingly continue to navigate this insanity of a world on a spiritual journey through really dark, deep, and utterly lonely years? Me, apparently.

The voices of…

• “Why does she not just settle down?”
• “Why didn’t she just stay with her husband?”
• “Why doesn’t she just keep her Divine guidance to herself?” and the forever present…
• “Who the f*ck does she think she is?”

…I mean that would be easier, right – to listen to others and to do what they want so that they can understand me? I’m sure you, the reader, never do that though…do you? Navigate and manipulate yourself so others will understand you?

At this point I’m used to the deep, dark, and lonely more than anything else. I’m used to the whispers. I’m psychic and hear it all whether spoken out loud or not. Your energy tells me everything I need to know about you. Anyways I’m not complaining here, I’m sharing all of these trains of thought in a state of unison with all those crying out — those lonely souls incarnated right now that feel like dark is it!

I’m sharing for all those that think it will never get better, and for those that can’t seem to find their way out of the long tunnel that feels like being buried alive.

HOPE.

There is hope.

Sometimes that hope is a tiny, itty bitty flicker, but there is always hope.

And admittedly just a few hours ago I wasn’t even feeling hopeful, yet I went inside myself. I pulled all my energy back to me, all those chords I have attached to hearts around the globe and I gave them a pull back into my self. Leaving just enough that the other people know and recall my love for them, however I need it more right now.

It’s that old put the oxygen mask on yourself first theory. Because honestly I need the oxygen. I am in need of fueling myself and don’t have an ounce to give anyone else at all.

And I certainly have not always had the wherewithal to recognize, “Oh I need oxygen! I can’t breath!” It has taken me years and years to consciously understand I am my Savior, my own Super Hero, and I must save MY day. This is one of those days, weeks, months and years.

I CAN’T BREATHE.

I laid in the fetal position for hours this morning. All the blinds closed tightly, the comforter over my head so it would be as dark as possible. Ear plugs in and white noise on. Anything outward in my existence needed to go away for a while.

Going into myself was necessary and releasing others to deal with their own stuff; even though I could tangibly feel their energy pulling on me…giving a tug.

“Is she there? Is she alright? Where is she at?”…

I was in me.

Deep in myself, shields up, no distractions, amping up my own Light in order to be able to see the next steps in the tunnel..because honestly, this tunnel has been long.

Just when I think I see the light, figure it out, and walk that way then there is darkness, yet again.

My ego silently screaming, “I don’t understand!”

And we are programmed from the moment of incarnation in human life to be about everyone else, all the time. To light other’s paths, even when we are walking blindly on our own. And I’ve been doing that for others for years, when I don’t even have any light to give.

And now I am labeled, selfish.

Ah, yes. The human experience is ever so fun, is it not? We can’t win, so I stopped trying. It’s like letting go of the rope when the world is playing tug-o-war with you…just let go, sweethearts — it works every time.

BRICK WALLS.

So, I just drove 2,200 miles across America. After working 6 months straight daily to get enough cash to do so. And before that I drove 1500 miles from Texas to California in preparation of this latest journey. I did so all alone without any regular “work”.

Am I crazy or literally on a mission from God? (I’ll let you decide)

This latest journey from San Francisco to Chicago was accomplished in my Spiritual Warrior energy (or my Looney Tunes persona, depending on who you speak too).

In other words, I drove to Chicago on blind faith in winter.

I drove here in complete and total darkness of what I was going to do here. Getting Soul Guidance for each little next step…little by little.

I was told by Spirit repeatedly, “Just get to Chicago and you’ll understand! Just get to Chicago, go now! Just get to Chicago and everything will line up.”

Guess what? I got to Chicago and hit a brick wall.

• I hit a brick wall of energy.
• A brick wall of any inspiration.
• A brick wall about income.
• A brick wall around love.
• A brick wall of, “What the fuckkkkk, Universe????”

Hmmm….

YES, UNIVERSE.

As I was making this long journey, I had an insurmountable amount of time to talk to the Universe. Make prayers, be mindful, meditate, write, rest, be inspired, and tell the Universe, “Yes!” about a few bits of guidance it’s been throwing my way for years.

It was about writing.

And to be a writer, one must write. 

So I told the Universe I would be open to being the writer they wished me to be and they vowed I’d make a living at it and my only task daily was…to write.

Guess what happens when you tell the Universe, “Yes! I’ll be a writer!”…

Do you know?

Well, the Universe always says, “YES!” back to anything we request, bitch or moan about or even think. So they are supporting me in being a writer, pushing me and pulling me and showing me synchronicity in images and words about (you guessed it) writing!

And anything that has nothing to do with writing…has been blocked! Like an enormous brick wall of rejection, redirection, and “NO!”

But we wonder, “What the f*ck?” when the Universe is doing everything in its power to get us to a place where the energy is in alignment with us (Chicago) so we can BE that which we are here to BE and the Universe blesses and blocks everything as a way to guide us to our path (Writer).

CHICAGO.

So, this grown ass woman, who has traveled all over alone but is often terrified within, found herself sitting in downtown Chicago the other day.

My inner child was so triggered to even drive downtown alone because her inner story is, “I’m a little scared poor farm girl. I can’t do that!”

Sitting there in the moment I found myself fully content, safe, empowered, and enjoying the views of the city while sipping on a warm cup of chai.

As the sidewalk bucket drummers wrapped up their performance, they walked by the window and we waved to each other, smiled, and my heart delighted in their artistry and friendliness.

I sat.

I smiled at a lady who had awesome hot pink shoes and she said, “Hello sweetie” to me.

It wasn’t scary at all.

And once I got out of my inner stories I started really looking around and out the window sat a large news rack with Chicago Woman and WritingClasses next to each other…staring at me.

I really am on a mission from God!

MAYBE.

Maybe God really does know best, even and especially when I have no clue what I’m doing?

The ‘I’ is my ego. And I’m in uncharted territory as far as my ego is concerned.

Maybe feeling like I was breaking down earlier, and going within myself to turn my own inner light on, was what all of this was about?

My ‘I’ feels uncomfortable in even admitting I feel at home here in Chicago, but not in an ego sorta way. It’s sort of like experiencing actual love for the first time after a lifetime of crappy relationships. Gosh, I feel sheepish in writing it down even. My inner child who is always afraid of the big, bad city doesn’t quite know what to do with herself. She got to learn first hand the city wasn’t scary at all, except in her mind and the words of her long-deceased mother. So, now what does she do? That old story is gone.

I feel aligned in Chicago, would be a better way to express it. Aligned with who I am to be! That truth is that maybe it’s been me making everything way more complicated than it needs to be?

Maybe I can just settle into being a writer in Chicago?

And that’s enough?

Maybe it is literally THAT easy, just write.

Maybe it’s even my true genius which I’ve been denying (oh, no! I’m sure I’d never do that!)?

Would being a writer and story teller in the world, be the worst thing in the world to be?

Well, I am signed up to re-join my bi-weekly writing support group on Monday morning at 9 am so here we go, God!