I pretended to love myself for many years.

But I had no idea that I was pretending or faking something that was supposed to be so “easy.” I mean, the topic of self-love is everywhere. We read about how it will transform our lives and empower us. We read about the benefits, the realizations, and how we will feel more in charge of our life.

But we don’t read about the years that might go by without knowing what we’re getting wrong about self-love. Because the truth is, loving ourselves is no easy task. It’s not about reading affirmations, repeating mantras, and feeling good for a few hours after a yoga session. Self-care helps, of course, but we’re merely scratching the surface.

Self-love is tough work. It doesn’t end somewhere, and I’m not even sure it begins somewhere. It’s something that we can tap into at any time. It’s not a practice; it’s not a class; it’s not a book.

Self-love is love. It’s how we’d love our partner, our closest friend, our pet, our parent, or our lifelong goal. It’s how we would like to be loved. But instead of constantly giving this love to someone or something else, we give it to ourselves. We dive into our patterns and behaviors and check in with ourselves: Am I being fair to myself?

It took me many years to realize that I wanted to love myself badly, but I never really knew how. Congratulating myself when I was happy was definitely easy and promising. But congratulating myself when I was sad or angry or annoyed was challenging. This was how I realized that I didn’t love myself.

In fact, I loathed myself. I wanted to be loved and desired but refused to accept who I was. As a result, all the love I had received was skewed. It was as unreal and fake as the love I had within me.

But now I know better. I may never love myself 100 percent, but I know that the love I carry within me, for me, mirrors the love I will receive from the world.

That being said, there’s nothing wrong with admitting that we don’t know how to love ourselves. We need to stop pretending that we know all the tips and tricks because eventually our actions will show the world who we truly are.

Do you really love yourself? Here are 20 signs you don’t:

1. You don’t trust your decisions and choices.

2. You judge yourself for making mistakes.

3. You don’t let yourself take a break.

4. You find it hard to say no.

5. You prioritize your work over emotional and physical self-care.

6. You talk negatively about yourself.

7. You’re easily influenced by the opinions of other people.

8. You always seek validation and approval from others.

9. You can’t get over things that happened in the past.

10. You often neglect your physical, mental, and emotional self.

11. You think people don’t like you.

12. You’re sensitive to criticism.

13. You feel uncomfortable accepting gifts or compliments.

14. You focus on your inadequacies.

15. You compare yourself to others.

16. You fear judgement.

17. You hold on to resentment and anger.

18. You feel useless.

19. You don’t like spending time alone.

20. You feel unlovable.

~