I opened my front door to spot a dead dragonfly on the brick pavers.

I left to seek the message she came to leave me, and it hit me like a rock to my head:

“It is time to let go of what no longer serves you.”

I got a small piece of scrap paper full of my attempts to write my name using my non-dominant right hand. Several attempts at scrawling letters and it seemed a good choice to gently scoop up this fragile former fairy turned dragonfly now awaiting reincarnation.

I slid the paper under her stiff carcass and headed outside to lay her in the bushes outside my porch.

We did not make it there. A strong gust of wind blew into the breezeway and carried her off to another resting spot. I searched the hall to no avail and said a little prayer for her.

Afterward, I needed to walk and ponder what she wanted me to reach inside my grey matter and let go off. After a few steps, I knew the answer, I have known it a long time.

“It is time to let go of the Pinot grigio…no more excuses.”

The excuses over the years were many:

>> It’s my only vice now.

>> I only drink after 6 p.m.

>> It’s just white wine.

>> I have given up so many vices over the decades.

>> I deserve this one escape.

I knew then and know now that these are lousy excuses. I know alcohol is poison. I know it limits our body’s innate ability to heal itself. I know it is an escape—but from what? Life? Lies? Fear? Success? Past trauma?

Past trauma made me stop my walk around the man-made lake. The silence penetrated my body, mind, and spirit. The question then became: what trauma, or traumas, and why is it still snuggled deep in my tissues? Why is it leaving tight keloid scars tensing against my fascia?

It’s time to explore with journaling, walking, yoga nidra, meditation, reading, and support. Once I unearth the root cause, I will be free of this tangible obstacle.

Time to get started.

Time to walk with dragonflies. And around the lake with tortoises. And listen to a hidden owl’s hoots.

As an aside, I started reading Yoga of Recovery: Integrating Yoga and Ayurveda with Modern Recovery Tools for Addiction by Durga Leela. It was suggested to me by one of my current Ayurveda teachers. I highly recommend.

If I fail, I am reaching out to someone I know who uses a hypnotherapy technique. He is ready whenever I am, if I need help. Wish me luck.

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