It was just after midnight when I was driving home and a song transported me back to a different time.
A different place. A different me, yet the same me, with the same heart, just a different version.
Every so often you not only hear a beautiful melody, but you listen intently to the lyrics and something inside of you, within the depths of your soul, is profoundly felt. A reminder of things you once loved, once held close but are now lost. Gone. A loss that still circles your heart. A loss that, no matter the time that has passed, still has the ability to carve a hole in the deepest parts of you. A loss that forever changes the landscape of your life. A loss that, on some level, changes the veracity of who you are.
“My Immortal,” by Evanescence, is one such song.
I’ve heard this song over the years and thought it was beautiful. Lilting. But hearing it that night moved me in a way that every part of my being was drawn into the emotion. Every cell felt an intensity. Melancholy. Sorrow. Contemplation. Mesmerised. Reflection. It was an assault on my vulnerability, engulfing all that love and loss that still quietly resides within my heart and soul. Feeling everything at once. Pieces of pain. Pieces of grief. Pieces of sadness. Pieces of those, no longer here with me, yet part of them still gently, carefully, and lovingly tucked away neatly in the softness within me. Longing. Yearning. Releasing.
“These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real. There’s just too much that time cannot erase.”
Be it the death of a loved one or the death of a relationship, this song captivates it all. Every emotion can be felt in a few short minutes. Every loss will be front and centre, reminding us that our grief never fully leaves us. Our senses awakened by the memories. Those wounds reopening, if only for a few minutes.
“When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears. When you screamed, I’d wipe away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me.”
My vision was blurred as another tear forced its way out of the corner of my eye and slid shamelessly down my face. How long had I been crying? These words mercilessly pounding me, like a small tugboat in the vast seas of a tsunami. A sob caught in my throat. I felt so raw, like every part of me was on display.
“Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me.”
Music, the universal language of emotions and feelings. The ability to take you to another place. A different time. A past version of yourself. In a little over four minutes, every loss, every grief I’ve experienced, came to visit. They sat next to me in the passenger seat. Watching my display of heightened emotions. Each one vying for their spot in this present moment. Every unconscious heartbreak pushing into my conscious mind. There was no rest. No gentle shield to protect me from the unrelenting battering of what needed to be felt. A symphony of memories that would not be denied their moment on centre stage. Would not be denied their importance in my life. Would not be denied their power to once again remind me they are a part of my life.
Emotions and feelings are like an odometer for life. The ability to show those raw emotions and feel so deeply a nudge that we are alive. A prompt that we are in tune with ourselves—that there is a depth of awareness and rawness within us that knows pain, loss, and grief is part of life’s journey. Part of the human condition. Because without them, we are simply a shell, existing in a world of numbness.
As with all good, gut-wrenching, heartbreaking songs, I played it repeatedly until I got home. Each time a new intensity was felt. Each time the kaleidoscope of memories changed. Each time the lyrics were heard a little differently. Each time it became more cathartic. Each time those wounds started to scab over once again. Each time the love inside quelled the pain a tiny bit more. Each time I moved one step closer to a new depth of healing. Each time I found a little more of myself.
Hit play on the link below. Close your eyes and feel into the music. Listen to the lyrics and let them move you to a perhaps long forgotten place. Immerse yourself in this one moment. Four minutes. Observe what comes up for you. Experience it all. Every emotion that comes to visit, let her in. Let your senses show you the way. Show you the story that wants to be seen. Wants to be heard. Surrender to it all. The humanness. The aliveness. The sometimes despairing beauty of life. The veracity of who you are.