September 11, 2023

Depression’s Rebellion: a Quest for Reconnection.

Beneath it all, depression holds profound depths.

I am this person who, sometimes, even though I’d wish differently, doesn’t manage to respond on time, and then months go by.

I’ve found myself trapped for hours, drowning in the muddied waters of my own inner world, emerging utterly drained.

And I am the person now who’s holding myself lovingly when those phases come.

I have become the person who feels those phases in my friends and understands the vastness and all that comes from depression. I can honor their bodies’ wisdom instead of blaming them for missing dates, coming late, or forgetting what we have spoken of.

Behind every dysfunctional pattern we weave, there lies a hidden wisdom.

For some parts of us, the ways we maneuver and act make total sense and are there in order to survive. If there is depression, there’s wisdom in it. Yes, sometimes it’s unbearable, and it can feel like a hangover to come back to the surface after a big dive.

But there’s always something else too. Something that needs to be contained in order to be reintegrated. And the first step is acknowledging the ways our being has chosen to cope.

Instead of blaming ourselves or others or giving unsolicited advice like “just smile” or “just go for a run, and you’ll feel better,” which just create another layer of suffering, let’s take the pressure away first. Pressure, also in the sense of this ugly rush that is normalized in our society, that is eating us from within. That mostly doesn’t allow deep connection or rest.

Depression can be seen as a rebellion against this weird norm, which is not at all natural.

Depression is triggering all those parts in others that thrive to function without fully knowing for what. All those parts that still function even though they need to rest or breathe or finally question what is alive behind the robotic masks.

Depression rebels against the shallowness of connections and the relentless pace that lacks authentic emotion. We can’t take it out of the context of society.

Can you already see the beauty of it? (Don’t worry; I would have felt angry at times that I couldn’t.)

What I have learned on the journey with my own body and through attuning to others’ embodied realities is that we can understand and connect much more deeply if we dive into their world and let our wounded parts be touched by their reality. Attunement and resonance are tools in therapy but also in connection that are rarely taught.

When I tune into someone with depression, it’s always deep, and it scares me because once I got lost in the seemingly infinite deep dark waters.

And that’s exactly what enables me to know, to hold space—to co-hold that which is too overwhelming to be felt and needs to be depressed in order to be alive.

What if we find the collective call for deep rest in the symptom?

What if we could hold space together for the vastness of it and inquire what is hiding there? What if we speak to the profound longing for connection and see what it responds to?

What if we see it as a message for all of us?

This is a call to be guardians of the language of our bodies, to see the suffering, and instead of getting lost in treating symptoms, dive to the core and listen. I humbly urge all of us to cast aside societal norms and truly listen.

Thank you, Depression, for carving vast landscapes within my heart, which enable me to love deeper, to be touched in my bone marrow, and to attune in a way I would never want to miss.

It was and is a dark and scary path, no question. But because of you, I have never lost touch with what I really need and long for, behind the conditioned wantings.

I hated that you didn’t let me fully comply and morph into a puppet that I thought would be lovable, but you guided me to belonging and connection that is so much more alive. You numbed parts and kept them safe at the same time.

Your screams echo the change our world so desperately craves.

I am listening.


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