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December 13, 2023

Modern Dating is Broken—and not just for Hetero Women.

Is “A good man hard to find”? Are there “no good men out there”?

Recently, I read a thoughtful…read on how dating wasn’t working for hetero women. I commented:

Maybe…just maybe…instead of blaming an entire gender (whether women or men) we can look at the isolating forces in our society—social media, for one; endless busyness in pursuit of unaffordable housing/goals with weekends consumed just by trying to catch up on errands/fun/life…and realize there’s plenty of good men waiting, wishing, hoping out there. Turn off the Hallmark, maybe skip the bars/alcohol, and let’s meet up, folks!

Oh I’m not denying that there are (too) many toxic, or adolescent men out there. And yes, the Patriarchy is bad for all of us.

In fact I read this article with curiosity born of having read, and heard directly from girl dash friends and buddies, how scary and sad and lonely the dating scene is, for men and women alike. My point isn’t even that it’s equal—I can easily imagine it’s worse for hetero women than hetero men—but that there are commonalities, and that dating culture is broken in some ways.

Online dating for myself has proven pointless, an endless sea of no-replies whatever the platform. I’m 49, handsome according to my mom and a few others, healthy, active, caring, want children, successful financially and hopefully ethically—and online dating is pointless, in person dating seems rare in my situation (older, wanting children)—the only thing that’s worked at all was directly posting on IG and other social to my friends/followers who and what I’m looking for, and what I offer. 


A few others wrote in to the NY Times columnist with similar, and differing, comments. 

Here’s one, from Terry:

Re “Why Aren’t More People Marrying? Ask Women What Dating Is Like,” by Anna Louie Sussman (Opinion guest essay, Nov. 25):

As a 72-year-old single male co-parenting children, I really appreciated everything Ms. Sussman wrote. The challenges so many women experience in dating are painful. I’ve heard about them repeatedly from friends and women I’ve met, from Match and JDate to Green Singles and Veggie Connection.

However, after my five years of full-tilt online dating I’d like to share another side of the story from the perspective of one of the great guys they seek with all those wonderful qualities, plus an Ivy League education and a successful career.

Why do 90 percent of the women to whom I write very kind, fully forthcoming messages not bother responding? Why do so many of the 5-foot-4 to 5-foot-7 women require men to be several inches taller than my 5-foot-6 height? And why could I easily write a best-selling book sharing the most bizarre experiences I’ve had with seemingly fabulous women that continually dumbfound even my therapist?

How about the woman who was willing to fly to meet me just because she wanted to have sex with me once? And the woman who wouldn’t hold hands, later admitting that it triggered memories of her previous boyfriend?

I could go on about the hidden fears, traumas and addictions. The point is that it can be hard for both women and men to find a partner with whom to have a healthy, fulfilling and loving committed relationship. Should we just settle?


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