{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}

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The question I’m talking about is this:

Does your partner “get” you—and vice versa?

Do they instinctively seem to know what you’re trying to express, no matter how silly or foolish it might seem to anyone else? Can they put their hand on their heart, look you in the eye, and say “I hear you”—not just your words but, much more importantly, the feelings that are behind them?

That could only be because they feel, or have felt, something similar, and this shows that you share the same basic values and a similar way of looking at the world, and that you’ll find the same kinds of things funny, interesting, and important.

This is the foundation of any close relationship, and without it there’s little chance it will survive and thrive, no matter how strong the sexual chemistry might have been to start with.

When there is mutual understanding, trust can be built because both people feel they “know” what the other is going through. They can also have a reasonable expectation of what the other will do, and how they will feel in a particular situation. And for a relationship to last that matters a lot.

More than anything else, mutual trust and understanding create the fertile ground in which the shared flower of love can grow. Without those things, there will always be anxiety about whether the relationship has a future—which can be ignored as part of “trying to make it work” but is an insecure base on which to build a future together and will probably end up with mutual recriminations and disappointment.

If underlying insecurities in a relationship aren’t addressed, it can result in “settling,” which is what happens when one or both partners convert the disappointment they feel into a fatalistic acceptance bordering on self-punishment, believing that having made their bed with this particular person, they have no choice but to lie in it with them.

This is an unnecessary betrayal of the gift of love that is out there for all of us to find and grow with the right person. Because there is a “right-enough” person for all of us somewhere, although it may take time to find them.

The key step is to be clear about the difference between the fantasy partner we think we want, and someone who would actually be good for us. And if fate makes us wait to meet someone who is the real deal for us, it’s better to be alone and stay true to ourselves—which also increases the chance of us meeting the right kind of person—than to distort our heart to fit in with someone out of insecurity.

The fact is, if we feel that we have to be in a relationship, it’s a sign that we need to learn how to be happy by ourselves, because this is the best way to be ready for real intimacy.

People have all kinds of different values and ways of looking at the world. In the search for love, the aim is not finding the “best” partner—whatever that might mean—but connecting with someone who is on your wavelength.

If and when you find them, remember to appreciate how precious that sense of commonalty is. You’ve won the love lottery! Don’t spoil it with any foolish notions that there might be someone else better for you than the person you’ve been lucky enough to find.

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