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I found myself there—again.

In the same conversation, with a different man.

It was the tail end of the discussion about how I needed and wanted more in the relationship. I needed a change, and he could not provide it for me.

What I needed and wanted looked like material possessions—moving in together, spending more time together, and traveling together.

I wanted these things so badly that my body ached with desire.

After countless hours of conversation trying to “figure it out,” the relationship ended.

What I didn’t know then, but know now, is that underneath my material and physical needs from him was my intuitive, deep, feminine desire for intimacy. The kind of intimacy that made my knees buckle. The kind that made my heart drop into my stomach. The kind that made my heart melt.

Up until this point, I had never experienced deep intimacy. Sure, I had experienced the quick and fast, adrenaline-pumping pseudo-intimacy that occurs when the attachment systems are activated at the beginning of relationships when two people meet.

But I had never experienced deep intimacy.

In fact, I didn’t even know this was what my body and soul were craving. But I knew I was in a pattern, and I knew there was something behind my intense desire for these physical and material needs.

I realized most people don’t know what deep intimacy feels like.

And this is why…

The hidden secret to deep intimacy is the quality and capacity of our nervous system to stay in the window of tolerance (ventral vagal) and to feel sensation in the body.

The quality of our nervous system determines our ability to feel deep intimacy.

Why?

Because deep intimacy is sensation that must be felt in the sensate body.

Most people cannot feel sensation in their body because they are constantly in the mind.

Think about it…are you able to feel deep intimacy when your mind is wrangling with anxiety?

What if someone brings you flowers, touches the soft skin on the back of your neck, leans in to share vulnerability with you, and you are in a state of anxiety? What do you do? You push back. You push it away. Your sensate body is closed to receiving because your body and mind are disconnected.

Let’s take a quick look at attachment systems. The cornerstone of my work is teaching men and women to become “feelable,” using the Globally Accredited Self Pleasure Modality™. The Self Pleasure Modality™ is a trauma-informed, somatic modality that supports the regulation of our nervous system. I work with clients specifically to heal or integrate their anxious attachment system to break patterns, date differently, and find love.

When our anxious attachment system is activated, our nervous system is in a sympathetic state of fight or flight. I teach my clients that the key words that come up most when we are in this state are, “I have to.” “I have to text him right now and tell him xyz.” “I have to book this appointment right now.” “I have to call him.” Anxious attachment is characterized by insecurity, anxiety, intense grasping for something outside to save/satiate/satisfy us, and a desperation to not be abandoned, rejected, or betrayed.

In fact, anxious attachment is an inability to feel the feelings of abandonment, rejection, and betrayal.

When the anxious attachment pattern is activated, we are disconnected from our sensate body. We literally can’t feel the sensations in our body. We are in a survival state, and our mind is on overdrive.

What could happen if we could feel the sensations at that point in our body?

The sensations would be so big and intense that we might feel them for one second, we would feel extreme discomfort, and then we would pop right back into our mind, and the anxiety about what we “have to do” would consume us.

Our ability to feel sensation in our body is directly correlated to the quality of our nervous system and our ability to stay in the feeling of the sensation as it moves through our body, despite the discomfort.

When our nervous system has a low capacity or poor quality, unable to hold sensation in our body when opportunities for intimacy come to us, we either grab them tightly to feel brief satisfaction, then go back to the mind, or we push them away.

Think about our nervous system as a cup. If we have a shallow cup, we cannot hold much; if we have a deep cup, we can hold a lot.

This is why those with a high anxious attachment system must learn how to receive. The “good stuff” is actually hard to receive, even though we want it so badly. I share more about our anxious attachment pattern and deepening into femininity in this article.

Let’s recap.

Our need for change in a relationship will never be fully satisfied by a material and physical change on the outside. We are all humans in need and driven toward deeper connection with each other. This need for change must come from inside of us. It must come from our devotion to getting to know our unique nervous system and expanding our capacity to hold and feel sensation in our body.

Intimacy is the ability to feel big sensations in our body.

This is not a “quick fix,” which is why most people end up attracting the same kind of partners, experiencing the same patterns of dating unavailable men, being in relationships that are always “missing something,” and of course, settling. Because it takes many years and is a continually unfolding process to discover our sensate body.

Our ability to feel big sensations in our body is dependent on our ability to connect to and feel our sensate body, to bring ourselves out of our attachment patterns and survival systems and back to the intensity of what sensations we might be feeling in our body.

It is in the quality of our nervous system that patterns shift.

It is through expanding the capacity of our nervous system that we will be able to feel deep intimacy through sensation.

The Hidden Secret to Deep Intimacy rests in the quality and capacity of our nervous system.

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