View this post on Instagram

{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}
~

When someone we love has cancer, we want to be helpful.

But we don’t want to say the wrong thing because that could be worse than not saying anything.

Like many cancer patients, I was on the receiving end of people saying the wrong thing. When I told my friend I had been diagnosed, her response was, “So what kind of cancer do you have?”

I replied, “Stage three B-cell Follicular Lymphoma,” thinking she would probably ask me more about that. Unfortunately, she instead went into her memory bank and blurted out:

“Oh my god! My cousin had Lymphoma. She kept it under control for a while, but eventually the cancer came back. It was really hard.” 

Wow. I was shocked that she thought this was a good thing to say to me. I recognize that she was probably trying to be empathetic, but in reality she was foisting a totally depressing story onto me.

In spite of her good intentions, her story was just not suitable for someone with cancer—quite the opposite.

When I had cancer, most people were considerate, but occasionally people didn’t practice “think before you speak” and their words were hard to receive. Besides the inappropriate stories, occasionally someone would tell me I should be going to a different cancer center or trying a different approach.

Hint: No one facing these big decisions wants you to tell them what to do.

It was also difficult when people made assumptions about my cancer, my feelings, and what I wanted. Their comments were a mismatch for where I was at in my journey. I learned that it’s best to not make assumptions about how your loved one is feeling or thinking about cancer without asking and listening.

Know that they are already facing fears they might get horribly sick or die from this. The last thing they need is to hear a story that feeds that fear. I can guarantee that a person with cancer can bolster fears on their own without your help. In my case, my mother died from the same kind of cancer, so I had to move through a lot of fears just to get well. 

Even if we have known someone with cancer before, remember each person is different. 

Here are a four simple rules to help us be more aware and understanding in our conversations with those who have cancer:

1. Don’t assume you know how they feel.
2. Stay focused on how you can help them.
3. Listen rather than steer the conversation.
4. Let them know you are there for them and they are not in this alone.

Before talking to your loved one, familiarize yourself with the helpful dos and don’ts guide below, and think about how you can say them in your own words. This will allow you to share what is most helpful and avoid hurting their feelings.

The Dos & Don’ts of Supporting Someone we Love through Cancer:

What Not to Say to Someone with Cancer:

“Cancer isn’t as bad as it used to be. There are better treatments now.”

“I know how you feel.” (No, you don’t—unless you’ve had cancer.) 

“Maybe you should try ______ therapy.” (Everyone’s path to healing is unique.)

“Remember, someone else is always worse off than you.

“Don’t worry, everything will be fine.” 

“You’re a fighter. (Not everyone relates to the warrior archetype.)

“You are so brave.” (They may feel scared, not brave.) 

“How are you?” (Instead, ask: “How are things?”)

What to Say to Someone with Cancer:

“Wow, this is a lot. Know that I am in your corner and believe in you.” 

“I am so sorry you’re going through this.”

“How can I be helpful?” 

“This totally sucks. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.” (Show empathy.) 

“I am here for you when you want to talk.”

“Please put me on your list of helpers and let me know when I can pick up groceries, kids, bring food, or run errands. Or we could watch a movie or do something low key together.”

“I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know how much I care about you.”

“I love you and want you to know I am here for you on this journey.”

“How are you feeling about all this?” or “What do you need?” (Stick to open-ended questions.)

“You are not facing this alone. We’ll get through this together.” (Reassure them.)

A few other tips that can be helpful:

Believe in them. Listen without opinions and judgement. Keep in mind that their path to healing may look different than the path you would take. I have seen people get well from wheatgrass and herbs, and I’ve seen people get well from aggressive chemotherapy. One size does not fit all.

Allow them to process. Your loved one has a lot going on, and at times will need a sounding board—but restrain yourself from advising. Instead, validate their concerns, decisions, fears, and feelings. I’ve found it’s also helpful to remember that for men, the processing may be more analytical than personal because expressing emotions is viewed as a sign of weakness by some men. Pay attention to your loved one and help in the ways they want and need to be helped.

Remind yourself that they need love and support as they walk this unfamiliar territory. They cannot possibly “keep it all together” in the same way they did before cancer.

Healing will require changes and letting go of some responsibilities and commitments. This sort of letting go can be difficult and humbling, so be gentle, accepting, and encouraging. Life has just given them a rough turn of events, and things probably feel pretty out of control.

Your love and support can provide a safe harbor for them. And more than anything, they need you to be present and positive. 

Truly being there for your friend is gold!

~

{Please consider Boosting our authors’ articles in their first week to help them win Elephant’s Ecosystem so they can get paid and write more.}

~