“If your worth was never in question, how would you move through the world?”

My therapist asked me that one afternoon, her voice soft but piercing—the kind of question that bypasses logic and lands straight in the chest.

I didn’t have an answer. I just sat there, stunned silent, as if she had just unlocked a door I didn’t know I had been guarding.

Later that night, I wrote that question on a sticky note and taped it to my bathroom mirror. Then another on the fridge. Then my car dashboard. Eventually, it became the background on my phone.

I wasn’t just trying to remember it—I was trying to become someone who could live into it.

Because the truth was, I had spent most of my life moving through the world as if my worth was in constant question. And I had gotten good at performing the version of myself I thought would be most lovable.

Smart. Kind. Driven. Attractive. Spiritual. Good.

Our identities, like costumes, are crafted to fit the roles we think we must play.

We Learn to Become What the World Will Reward

Erik Erikson describes adolescence as the time we begin forming our identity. We ask “Who am I?” and try on different roles based on the feedback we get from the world. What earns us approval, love, and admiration? What leads to rejection?

We become chameleons, adjusting to what others expect.

This, in many ways, is where many of us remain stuck—trapped in a state of arrested development. We may have physically grown, but emotionally and psychologically, we’re still operating from the same place of seeking validation, approval, and external cues to define our worth. And we get stuck in that loop, constantly performing and doing, never allowing ourselves to simply be.

When we tie our worth to external validation, we forget our inherent value. This attachment creates a separation from our true essence, a theme echoed in Buddhist philosophy: our identity is not fixed by our actions. True worth isn’t earned—it’s already inside us. Mindfulness helps us let go of false identities and reconnect with our true nature.

The Struggle Between Doing and Being

I began noticing how deeply my nervous system was wired to the need for achievement. Every time I wasn’t accomplishing something or being seen, I felt a surge of panic—a physical reminder that my worth was tied to doing. My body told me I wasn’t enough unless I was constantly performing.

We’ve all been there, right? We get caught up in the need to prove ourselves to the world—whether through work, relationships, or accomplishments. We feel like we have to constantly do something to be worthy of love, respect, or attention. And then, just as we’ve done the thing, there’s this urge to post it, share it, show the world that we’ve done something worthy of recognition. It’s as if our worth doesn’t count unless it’s validated by others.

No wonder we burn out. We’ve been chasing something that can’t be captured—a sense of value based on others’ opinions or our actions. The real question is: What if our worth was never in question?

The Crisis Beneath the Hustle

One night, I was lying in bed, overwhelmed by a to-do list I couldn’t finish, feeling like nothing was ever enough. Then, I heard the echo of my therapist’s question: “If your worth was never in question…”

And in that moment, I started to cry—not just from the weight of the question, but from the knowing that followed. I didn’t know how to live from a place where my worth didn’t need to be proven. But then, as the tears fell, I remembered—my kids already knew this.

They loved without hesitation. They didn’t seek approval or need to prove their worth. They simply were. Watching them reminded me: we already know we’re worthy. Somewhere along the way, I had forgotten.

Essence Was Never Something I Had to Prove

There’s a difference between identity and essence. Identity is the mask we wear in response to the world’s expectations. It’s shaped by what others think of us and how we want to be seen. It’s a constant performance, a way of proving we matter.

Essence, however, is who we were before the world told us who to be. It’s the part of us that has always been whole. It doesn’t need validation; it simply is.

But getting back to essence is difficult. We’ve spent years building layers of identity, which protect us but also distance us from our true selves. When we finally realize our worth doesn’t depend on external validation, it’s overwhelming. Letting go of this need to prove ourselves feels like unlearning a lifetime of habits.

Yet even in this remembering, there’s struggle. But as we reconnect with our essence, we remember: it was never lost. It was always there, waiting for us to stop performing and simply be.

We Don’t Have to Hustle for Love Anymore

I say this gently, because it’s a process I’m still walking: We don’t have to earn our worth. We don’t have to hustle for validation. We already belong.

This doesn’t mean we stop growing. It means we stop growing from fear. We stop shaping ourselves into what we think will make us worthy. Because the truth is—we already are.

Living From the Question

That question still hangs on my wall: “If my worth was never in question, how would I move through the world?”

It’s become my compass.

Sometimes, the answer is rest. Sometimes, it’s courage. Sometimes, it’s saying no. Sometimes, it’s letting love in without shrinking.

Every time I ask it, I peel back another layer of performance, and underneath, I touch something truer. Something softer, wilder, whole.

So, what if we asked this together? Not to fix ourselves, but to remember what’s true: If our worth was never in question, how would we move through the world?

Maybe we’d stop proving. Maybe we’d start being.

And maybe that’s where the healing begins.

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