“Safety is not the absence of threat. It is the presence of connection.” ~ Gabor Maté

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You will always encounter some people in your life with whom you’d be able to talk about anything under the sun except your emotions and emotional needs.

Have you ever experienced that?

There are some people with whom talking about your deeper emotions, boundaries, and needs seems to flow and their responses are wrapped in understanding, comfort, warmth, accountability, and effort. You know that if you share something, they will respond. They will listen, understand, and be present in your experience with you. They make you feel safe and heard and you want to open up more.

Maybe you can’t talk about world politics or tech stuff, but those deeper whispers of your heart will always find a home. It could be your parents, a friend, a sibling, a partner, a therapist, or a mentor—anyone really—who sees you for who you are, is able to meet you where you are. They know how and when to hold space for you—i.e make room for your emotions and needs without making you feel like you’re too much, too needy, clingy, emotional, or that your needs aren’t really a big deal. They calm you, ground you, and your mind and body feel safe in their presence.

Then there are those who do the complete opposite. Every conversation about your emotions and needs becomes a battle that you either have to fight or surrender to. Understanding, empathy, connection, and repair are simply alien concepts. The more you try, the worse it feels. Once again, it can be anyone in your life who doesn’t fully get you. You may be able to talk to them about everything else except how you really feel.

Not everyone is supposed to, can, or even wants to get you. And sadly, we often end up chasing these kinds of people. You know why? Because most of us are forever hungry for validation and want to derive a sense of worth from attaining opportunities and people that seem chaotic, confusing, and challenging, not realising that life and relationships aren’t about chasing but being, connecting, and choosing in our highest interest, and emotionally unsafe people and relationships don’t let us do any of these.

They keep us stuck, activated, reactive, unfulfilled, and in constant doubt about who we are.

And yes, it becomes extremely difficult to even realise who is emotionally unsafe because most of us have references for unsafety and few or none for safety.

Here are some signs that someone is emotionally unsafe for you:

1. They dismiss or minimize your emotions.

Responses like “You’re overreacting,” “It’s not a big deal,” or “You’re too sensitive” make you feel invalidated and silenced.

2. They make everything about themselves.

When you share something vulnerable, they quickly shift the focus to their own experience, needs, or opinions, leaving you feeling unseen.

3. You feel judged, criticized, or shamed.

Instead of curiosity or compassion, you’re met with judgmental comments, sarcasm, or subtle (or overt) criticism.

4. They struggle to take accountability.

They rarely admit when they’re wrong, deflect blame, or turn the tables on you—even when it’s clear they’ve hurt you.

5. Your boundaries are often crossed or ignored.

When you express a need or set a boundary, they push back, guilt-trip you, or ignore it altogether.

6. You walk on eggshells around them.

You’re constantly managing your words or emotions to avoid triggering a negative reaction or emotional shutdown.

7. They are emotionally inconsistent or unavailable.

They may be warm one day and cold the next, making it hard for you to feel secure or trust their presence.

8. You feel drained, anxious, or unsafe after interactions.

Your body and mind don’t lie—if you consistently feel unsettled after spending time with someone, it’s a red flag.

9. They invalidate your needs as “too much.”

If your need for affection, communication, or clarity is labeled as needy, clingy, or unreasonable, that’s emotional unsafety.

10. There’s little to no effort in repair.

Healthy conflict is normal—but in emotionally unsafe dynamics, there’s no genuine effort to repair or reconnect after rupture.

In contrast, emotionally safe people are the ones who:

1. Listen to understand, not to respond: You feel genuinely heard. They’re present with you, not just waiting for their turn to speak.

2. Meet your emotions with validation, not judgment: Whether you’re feeling joy, sadness, anger, or confusion, they accept your emotional truth without minimizing or mocking it.

3. Respect your boundaries: You don’t have to explain or defend your limits. They honor them without guilt-tripping or resistance.

4. Make you feel calm and regulated in their presence: Your nervous system relaxes around them. You can just be without performing, pleasing, or protecting yourself.

5. Are open to feedback and take accountability: When there’s conflict or misunderstanding, they don’t get defensive. They own their part and work toward repair.

6. Show consistency in words and actions: You don’t feel like you’re guessing their mood or intentions. You know where you stand with them.

7. They’re emotionally available: They don’t shut down or disappear when things get heavy. They stay present and engaged even in discomfort.

8. Give you space to be vulnerable without making you feel like you’re too much: Whether you’re crying, sharing a fear, or expressing a need, they hold space with empathy—not shame or distance.

9. Make you feel seen, accepted, and valued for who you are: You don’t have to shrink, shape-shift, or hide parts of yourself to feel loved.

10. Prioritize connection and repair: When something feels off, they check in. When things go wrong, they work toward understanding and reconnection.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” ~ Dr. Brené Brown

The only way we can understand emotional safety better is by learning to be present with ourselves and our needs first, because when we stop running away from who we are in a bid to be like how someone else wants us to be, make space to understand and embrace our needs without judgement, and fully believe that we deserve to feel seen, heard, and valued in every sense of the word, we will be able to choose people who feel safe for our needs and emotions. Until then, it will be one chaotic interaction after another.

Emotional safety is the foundation of relationships that allows trust and respect to foster. Without it, relationships will feel empty, strained, and unfulfilling.

A safe relationship is where you feel fully seen for who you are—no masks, pretense, and certainly no shrinking.

And that’s why need to talk more about it. Isn’t it?

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