I’ve noticed that my needs in my relationship tend to fluctuate.

It baffles me how sometimes a need is nonnegotiable while other times I couldn’t care less about it. And, I notice the same pattern with my partner.

Although it appears random, there are deeper underlying factors at play. I’m sure this dynamic shows up in your own relationship too. And I know this question baffles you too: Is it normal to intensely focus on a need? And is it possible that sometimes we are totally fine without it?

We’re not crazy. There’s a fine line between true relational needs and personal needs. Let me explain. We almost always meet relational needs with a partner. Personal needs, however, can be met individually.

And, most times in relationships, we end up confusing them. We initiate our partner to get an emotional need met but end up fighting or creating an awful rupture. We might blame our partner and even question our compatibility. The truth is we couldn’t tell the difference between our partner’s responsibilities and our own.

I’ve learned that confusing those two types of needs causes serious damage to our relationship. It creates ruptures and disconnections that may last for weeks. How can we avoid this confusion and how can we tell the difference between the two?

There are two ways to tell:

1. Check in with yourself.

I’ve come to discover that a quick, personal check-in is so important before discussing any personal needs. When we don’t feel emotionally safe, we have the urge to immediately rely on our partner to fix the problem, overlooking how the problem could be linked to a much deeper inner state.

Examining our own emotional state first can help us tell what’s going on within us. What’s your intention and where is your need coming from? Is it coming from a fear of rejection or abandonment? Is your daily stress causing it? Is it coming from an internal desire to control the other? Are we simply giving our partner a hard time because we had a hard day? If we are honest with ourselves, we can recognize our actual needs.

2. Examine the nature of your needs.

The second way to know if a need is relational is to check its roots. Ask yourself if that need stems from a core value that you share with your partner. Sometimes we ask for “unmet” needs while forgetting that on a perfectly good day those needs don’t cross our minds. The reason is because they might not be rooted in real relational values.

But when our minds are clouded and our emotions run high, we can easily be tricked into thinking those needs reflect our relationship values. The only way to tell is to imagine your reaction to that bad situation on a day when you are fully rested or genuinely happy. Would you, then, call your emotional state a need?

Furthermore, remember that discussing a relational value with your partner comes with the inner hope of connecting or reconnecting with them; we may be seeking a safe emotional space, support, security, or deeper intimacy. So, if that’s not our intention—if the goal is purely individual—then our needs might be personal.

The journey of being brave enough to name the nature of our needs is arduous. But, trust me, we can feel much more empowered if we know when we can meet our own needs versus when our partner should fulfill them.

Recognizing our personal needs gives us the chance to look inward and do the necessary inner work to grow and learn. Relational needs draw us together. They strengthen our principles and ensure the longevity of our relationships.

How can you tell the difference between relational and personal needs? Leave a comment.

~